Day Two

Technically, it's only day one, because I may have smoked some yesterday. Just like, 3. I wasn't going to, but then I hung out with Matty, and he got me a bit blazed, and then...yeah. It was too much. But today is a new day, and I'm doing good. I want one, but mostly to try and make the electricity sensation running through my veins chill out. Like, that would be rad.

I got batteries for my scales yesterday. Either they're better at telling the truth with fresh batteries, or I've put on weight. Not much though so I don't actually care. And I'm quite happy with my body presently. And I hadn't taken a shit before I weighed myself. And, I think, I'm actually going to be exercising way more. And I won't be getting the munchies so I probably won't want to eat so much. And I most likely won't gorge myself quite so frequently. I still will I'm sure, because I like eating things, especially delicious things.

Oh man. I should have my break. Yeah. I'm going for it in 2 minutes. And I'm gonna walk around the block. Possibly very quickly. Because auoghqe rntlgnadrklhvgnlwesfo;l. Yeah, that's right. I'm so locking my computer before I go so that the people who enjoy prying can't. Okay. Posting now. I'm going on some R&R thing. I'll continue later...

Stoned Ramblings

Hello, and welcome. How's it goin? I, have been better. So much better. I believe the term is highly hungover. Anyway.

I said I was going to do a stoned rambling email, and here I am. I'm clean living as of the time I go to bed so I thought I should do this now. And, to be fair, I feel wrong being in bed before 2 on a Saturday night. And I did sleep a lot this afternoon. I needed it. Yep. No more weed for a bit, no more smoking-I'm pretty sure I'll fall off the wagon while I'm in Japan, but that's okay, it'll just be while I'm there, I don't intend on smoking when I get back, and I think as long as I'm honest with myself about these things, it's okay. I won't be failing, I'll just be putting nicotine abstinence on the back burner for a couple of weeks. Yeah. But at least I'm willing to admit these things. Oh, and I won't be drinking at least next weekend, if not the weekend after as well. I think I'm ready to embrace clean living with open arms. Yes, I feel like shit today. I'm just going to have a spot.

So, it's currently 1:30am. I'm going to see how much ramble I can get done in 30 minutes, but I'm going to have a cigarette, 2 more spots, and a cup of some...ginger and lemon green tea. I think I need some anti oxidants. And ginger for the stomach settling thing. SPOT! Haha don't you hate it when you can't find shit and just turn around in circles looking for it? Yeah, that....mmmm. I think I might be high enough. I'll just have one more spot. Just one you know? I need to smoke pretty much every last bit of weed. I'm going with a total removal plan, rather than having it sitting around waiting for me to be tempted. And lets face it, temptation resistance isn't one of my strong points.

I'm currently playing "Swing while you're winning". I'm not particularly proud of that fact either. But I just...I have no cds. I have nothing. My music collection is bullshit and it's starting to bother me. I don't watch tv much, I just listen to music, and I have so few cds. I'm totally open to rad mix cds if anyone wants to make me one. Oh man. So high. Need to remember to inhale deeply. I just realised how shallow my breathing was. I should smoke. Haha I almost grabbed prunes to snack on. What a foolish munchie food. That's just asking for disaster. SMOKE!

They were actually Plum Amazins. But really, they're just chopped up bits of prunes. But maybe a little less moist. Yes. Definitely less moist. I'm going to get a different chair. THis computer set up in not working for my back presently.Ooooh, padded. I'm kind of straddling the computer desk. And it's way too high for the keyboard. Maybe if I have it on my lap...I don't...oooh, yeah, better. So much better.

Right. Last night. I got fucked up. I drank 250mls of 45% vodka(thats like a 15% bottle of wine) before I got into town. Well, I was drinking in town, but not at a bar so I don't count that as being in town. I have too much sleeve action going on right now. I'm wearing a long sleeved top, a tshit(typo but it's good), a sweater thing, a polar fleece thing, and my dressing gown. FUck. Sidetracking to the MAX! So, yes, don't actually remember the walk from Toulas work to cavern. That's how drunk I was. So, I don't remember a lot of the night it's safe to say. I'm glad I was wearing a t shirt though because it meant I didn't have to worry about nipples or anything like that. Because apparently I was falling over while on the dance floor. Louse had to support me. I was fall over drunk. And apparently I fell asleep in the bathrooms. Honestly! That's terrible! I lost my bag for the longest time too. Fuck. I'm. Ugh. I'm kind of ashamed. That's not okay. I'm supposed to be in more control of myself than that. I just had a flashback! I DO remember being at Waitangi Park. That's such a relief. I don't know if I'm remembering other times though. Huh. CLean living is going to be good. I also had a pill that I vaguely remember taking.

Myself, Too Attached(he's not, I don't think, but I'll stick with it), and 3 of his friends went back to TA's house, and fuck it was a maze. I've never been so lost in a house that I've been in so many times. It always confuses me though. I couldn't find the bathroom. I gave up, had a smoke, and realised it was starting to get light. Apparently, whilst at Cavern, my dancing got very sexy indeed. I knew pole dancing would do this to me. To be fair, I've always danced like a stripper, I'm quite comfortable with this fact and came to terms with it a long time ago. BUt, now, it's like I've been armed with these tools, of knowledge, and I can't stop myself. I think it's best I stay out of bars with poles for a while; not that I've been to any such bars in quite some time. I need to find some music. I'm also going to make myself an ice cream sandwich. Because I can. I'm going to steal some chocolate sprinkles too. Because they help make it more deliciouser. Yes, that's a real word. I'm sure spell check disagrees with me, but fuck you spell check, I'll make up words whenever I want.

Kate Nash it is. My ice cream cake has chocolate and colourful sprinkles. Awesome. I should charge my camera so that I can take photos of this shit. This morning...aw man. I'm so not going to write any more. I just wasted a bunch of time doing nothing in particular in my room and playing on facebook because I couldn't type while eating an ice cream sandwich. It's 3am. I'm going to bed. My organs feel funny. Maybe its because I'm going to bleed. I picked such a good week for it. Monday, will be a very interesting day. I imagine there might be a lot of rage. Right. SMoking my final cigarette and going to bed.

Here's to clean living and getting myself laid.

Night bitches.

Over and out.

Hive of anxiety

I was going to say "A Hive" but, is it "An Hive"? I didn't know. Therefore I didn't put it in at all. That's how I get around spelling and grammatical issues. If I don't know, I think of a different word or put it differently. It's way less stressful.

What is currently mildly stressful but kind of exciting in a "I'm going to be liberated" way is stopping smoking. I have a few smokes left in my pouch, I'm going to buy a pack of tails tomorrow, and then by Sunday, I will be smoke free. This scares the crap out of me ever so slightly. What am I going to do with my time? I'm not going to put on weight. I've already decided that one. I think every time I crave a smoke I'm going to do exercise. I'm also going to start going for runs. Beat the restless sensation. Read some freakin books. Pretty much anything I can to distract myself. Sit ups, lunges, squats, POWER SQUATS(I just came up with that name for them, they probably have a real one but I like putting that power in front of them).

I think I'm going to draw a lot of motivation from...fuck, haven't actually talked about him specifically yet. Okay. I'm gonna refer to him as B. The capital is...necessary. I know you guys are smart enough to put together the pieces. Anyway. He's apparently withholding everything(I don't know how closely this will be adhered to) until I've stopped smoking. This is annoying the crap out of me. I'm tempted to just wear my fishnets and suspender belt tomorrow just to get a rise out of him(LOL get it? Rise? Ahahahaha I'm so punny). I won't. I want to, but I won't. BAH. I want him in my pants so bad. I got a tease last night. He gives pretty good oral. Probably some of the best I've had actually. I guess the joys of an older(he's not actually that much older, just older than most of the recent guys) man. If he was crap it would be okay, cos I'd just move on. But he's not. He knows what he's doing with his tongue. I like him far more than I should. I shouldn't have let this happen in the first place to be perfectly honest, but it has, and I want more. I want him in my pants. Now. Right this second.

I'm unsure if bleeding just as I quit smoking is a good idea. I really need to though. I think there are too many feelings inside right now. Not that bleeding will make them go away. If anything it will intensify things. But once it's done, I'll be sweet. I need to go to the doctors. Get more pills. I so can't be bothered but I really should. I need to get some more hayfever stuff too. I need to do it before I go to Japan.

RIGHT! I need to do some complaints. I've been putting them off all day. The complaints database has been down all week, so I haven't done any, and now I have a pile on my desk. There were 13, but I did....1...so there are 12. Fuuuuuuck. Doing them as of...NOW!

SO MUCH ENERDY

OOOOooooooh shit. Buses have a stop work meeting today. I've been here since 8am and I'm here till 6pm. This shit is bananas. SO many calls. So many retarded people who don't pay attention to things that go on around them. To be fair, if it wasn't for the fact that I work here, I possibly wouldn't know about it either.

BURGER PARTY TONIGHT! I'm super excited. 3 of my fave ladies. And burgers. And Outrageous Fortune. What more could I ask for? I don't know. I really don't know what could be better. Sure, a couple of people who can't attend because of other country/island related issues would be awesome to have along as well, but ya know, can't have everything.

So, pole classes last night. I got myself a sweet battle scar on my hand. How you ask? Well, I removed a 10 cent(ish) piece size piece of skin. Not quite to the layer where it would bleed, but enough that it hurt. Luckily it was at the end of the class. I was one of the more experienced members of the class. It was funny because I really don't think that I know shit, but apparently I've made vast improvements in the past 3 weeks. I would agree with it. I still can't get some of the moves. It's so hard! I got myself a sweet lotus going on though. I think it's my favourite one. And I can totally pull off the sweet floor work afterwards. I even get to incorporate my retarded catipillar! YUS! My arms aren't as sore as they have been post classes too so maybe I'm finally getting some decent enough muscle tone.

I decided once I stop smoking I'm going to start going for runs. Most likely with Annie(dog). Because I probably shouldn't run around Newtown at night on my own. What if I get too tired to run away from my attackers?! I'm actually not really scared of being alone in Newtown, I just feel it might be in my best interests.

LOLS I just made a girl REAL angry and it was hilarious. She told me they should have signs at every bus stop and I was like, do you know how many bus stops there are? Do you want us to cut down a couple of trees and put signs up everywhere? It was advertised in the paper and on the radio and there were signs on the buses. She got angry. She sounded kinda on the verge of tears and was rather angry. it was funny. I've had a lot of coffee. Maybe too much. Everything is funny. I have so much enerdy. Typo, but I like it. I'm no longer writing energy, it's enerdy from now on. Until I forget. In about 5 minutes later. Also, shouldn't have included that later in there, but it made me laugh.

My fingers are typing faster than my brain can formulate the words. Ahahahahahaha so many angry people. Oh man, things are so funny. I should go for my lunch break. Yes. Yes I should.

Too much

Today, I feel a touch run down. I just haven't had enough sleep. I need some more sleep. I don't have time to have any more sleep than I'm presently getting though. I just don't have enough time at the moment. I'm consumed with thinking about fucking him, and I know I'm not going to get to do it for quite some time, and I just don't UGH. Dammit! This shits too much. TOO MUCH. I'm actually being tortured. Even as we speak. Well, as I type. You know.

I'm so sleepy today. So so sleepy. And cold. I've been so cold for the last 2 days. I need to do some washing when I get home. That is of course after I've had my pole class. And while my clothes are washing I can make laksa. I've pretty much figured out everything I'm eating for the rest of the week. I made massive soup last night. Pretty tasty. I ate like 3 bowls. That's way more than I needed. I was concerned I might vom, but I was all good. And now I have lunch today, a big bowl in the fridge, and 2 lots of frozen soup so I'm uber prepared and can always have a delicious, healthy meal. I love vegetables. Tomorrow night there's gonna be a burger party. It's going to be awesome. I'm really looking forward to eating some meat. Tonight will be fish laksa which is also highly awesome. And on Thursday I'm having vegetarian lasagne with ummm, eggplant as a pasta substitute. I might use lasagne sheets as well cos, well, I love pasta. It's dericious. I don't need food on Friday night in case you were concerned. I'ma be on illicit substances instead. I will be eating before consuming such things of course. Gotta be responsible...

LOLOLOLOLOL Noddy. What a funny guy. You can try as hard as you want to get into my pants hun, but you aren't getting in. I promise. It doesn't matter how hard you try, I'm really not attracted to you. At all. Your curly hair and rosey cheeks aren't doing it for me. Your chin that makes me think of the moon isn't getting me wet. I still remember your issues with erectile dysfunction. I'm not going to hold that against you because I understand these things happen, but it's hardly a glowing recommendation. You dated 2 of my friends(that I no longer see very frequently) and I would say that you slept with them, and that was a contributing factor as to why I don't want to sleep with you, but I'm not actually entirely sure that you did due to this occurring during your period of erectile dysfunction. Either way, I have no desire to sleep with you. You are barely taller than me, and that's just not tall enough. I think I have a new minimum height requirement of 180cm. Yup. I'm gonna be flexible with that one, but lets face it, I like my men tall.

Bit of an emo day today. I think it's just because I'm tired and I can't be bothered with anything. It's all just a little too hard for me right now. And I think I just felt the twinge of a headache coming on. AWESOME. Today is just getting better by the minute. I'm gonna go mope and look at things on the internetz. Things just aren't going my way. Or at least not enough my way that I can be happy with. Hehe, I just realised that I wasn't logged back in yet. Oops.

Decided.

I've decided, I stop smoking on the 1st of August. That's my date, I'm gonna stick to it. No more smoking ANYTHING. I think I'll probably off the wagon. Probably when I go to Japan. I'll probably fall off before then also. And the not smoking anything part is just to make it easier with the cravings. Because if I smoke green, then I'll want a cig, it's as simple as that. So, I will be smoking gren again, but I'll be waiting until I don't want to smoke as badly. This week is going to be filled with highness. It will be magestic.

AND I've already got some SWEET rewards lined up. So so so so so so sweet. I'm quite excited. The reward system will provide a lot of motivation I feel. The fact the rewardee sees me almost every day will be helpful also.

I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday. I'm excited. Not that anything all that different will be happening, but my roots will be done and I can sort out my fringe cos it's annoying and...yep. It will be mint. I can't figure out how I want my fringe though. I might get it just above my eyesbrows at the shortest point, but I'm not sure. I should look at hair cut pictures. It might inspire me. Or it might just make me aprehensive and uncertain. I think we'll go with inspiration here though. Bcause that's what I need. I need a couple of other things too to be fair. I'm dealing with that though. I'm fighting through it. I'll survive. I'll be awesome no matter what.

Quite proud of myself for getting my life sorted. Like, I'm taking charge of shit and in control of how I live my life pretty much for the first time. Not that I haven't been living my life roughly the way that I've wanted to since I left Dunedin. I'm just in a position now where I can actually do things that I want to and I have the drive to do it. I'm feeling more motivated than I have in a very, very long time. I've actually achieved my new years resolution. This is amazing. I said I was going to be proactive, and look where I am. Proactivity Central baby! I have a job, I'm attending group fitness classes...I still want to do kick boxing, there's still a bit of rage that I need to get out but I'll worry about that one when I get back from Japan. Gonna learn how to drive when I get back from Japan too. And I'll be working Monday - Friday, 7-3.30 which will make it SO much easier to organise my life. I'm so sorted. I'm so excited. My life is moving forward in quite possibly the most positive way since I left that icey hole. Loving life, even if I still have a few hurdles to jump. This shit is bananas. I'm going on a break. I'll probably write more later cos I'm hella bored.

Distraction

On Tuesday I was told, that a member of a friends band that I see all too frequently, believes I should change my dancing style. Because my present style is too distracting. WIN! Almost the ultimate win as far as I'm concerned, because it's a compliment wrapped in disapproval, my favourite kind. Just like when women hate on me when I know I look hot. And I pretty much always look hot. And yes, I do have a high opinion of myself. But people made me that way. Stop inflating my ego if it's bothering you.

I got asked today if I'd be prepared to put forward a formal complaint about someone at work. I said yes, as long as she doesn't know, because I would have sooooo much hell to pay if she ever found out. I think they're hoping to get rid of her. Which would be kinda funny, considering she's the reason I knew about this job. Ah irony. I should put through my complaints.

I hope I can get my hair cut soon. I mean, on Friday. Or failing that, some morning next week. Because that would be awesome. So so awesome. My roots be bothering me. Oh god I'm tired. 1 hour, 40 minutes to go. I should in theory be finishing at 8, because I started at 11:30(unpaid lunch break...) but no, that would be way too easy, and I like to make things harder for myself, especially at work. So I'm doing 11:30 - 9. Schweet. My fave. Actually, this will be the first day where I've done more hours than a regular shift, and it's only one hour extra. Normally I just lose a day of time off. I have a WHOLE weekend off next weekend. Exciting stuff. It's good because I plan on taking some recreactional drugs. And time off afterwards is always a good thing. Not that I'll be taking mind bending drugs. Just ones that make me use energy I don't actually have. I miss the mind bending ones. I haven't had them since the year began.

I should really deal to these complaints. They're such bullshit ones. But I guess if it was me making the complaints I'd want them to be processed and wouldn't think they were bullshit.Let it be on the record though, that I think Phoenix and Lara's complaints are rubbish.

I...yeah, I just took 20 minutes out of blogging to reply to an enquiry and then deleting a bunch of messages. And then email my boss about the overtime I was sposed to be getting paid for last week.

I need to do my nails. OOooh, I went to pole classes on Monday, and I learnt the retarded caterpillar. It's not actually called that. It's just what it looks like when I do it. I think I figured it out last night though. You have to lie down on your front, and kinda lift yourself up from your butt. I should upload a video. I like the teacher of the class though. She used to do ballet, and she's so graceful and all of her moves are so controlled. One day. I...yeah, I don't know that I'll ever be capable of that much grace, but I'm sure gonna try!

ONE HOUR TO GO! YUS! Laterz x