I have the only real friend a girl needs. And she's beautiful. SO beautiful. Also, purple. Because that's the only colour they had. But it doesn't matter. She's still beautiful. And perfect. And is never going to make me sad. She's never gonna tell me I look like shit, even when I do, and she's not gonna get annoyed at me when I sleep with other people. She isn't going to tell me that I look beautiful, but she'll make me feel good.
I LOVE HER.
I actually do. I could spend hours with her without even talking and it wouldn't matter. We're just that connected.
But in all seriousness. She's rechargable, has 8 modes, and a multitude of speeds ranging from gentle to OMG THE INTENSITY LEVELS ARE OFF THE HOOK.
I was thinking about it last night, and if like, someone fucked me up the arse I could use it at the same time and the vibrating would blow their minds out of the fucking water. Yes, that's right, I was maturbating and thinking about anal. I...don't know who I am anymore. I just think a guy would love it more than is humanly possible to describe.
Okay. Now that I've talked about nothing but sex(with myself), and I'm hungry. Time to walk around the block for a bit.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
An angry face?
I feel like I deserve to be wearing one.
Stop being a dick and ignoring me. Like actually, how old are you? Too old to be pulling this shit. That's how old. I don't even know the last time I gave someone the silent treatment. Especially not for days. DAYS! STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG AND JUST TALK TO ME. ASK ME SOME MENIAL SHIT. I DON'T CARE. JUST STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING EGG.
That's okay. I'm wearing my "Who's That?" t-shirt today, and I really want someone to ask me what it says, so I can use a bitch voice and say it.
Okay, just spoke a TINY bit. And only cos I know shit. It's just dumb. DUMB.
Yes, I'm in a capsy mood today. BUT GUESS WHAT??????!!!! TODAY! I GET! A VIBRATOR! It's going to love me forever too. Unconditionally. Okay, as long as it has batteries. I should buy a box. I think I'm going to just end up spending a whole bunch of time masturbating. Like heaps. I can tell. I'll start going to bed at 8:30 just so I can spend a while masturbating before falling asleep exhausted. Should I stop talking about wanking? Maybe yes. Would you like that? Wait, you were enjoying this weren't you. Getting all randy. Hot and bothered, imagining me playing with myself. Okay okay, I'll stop. I know you aren't really enjoying it that much. Maybe a little, but you could never admit it.
Okay. He talked to me a little more, but only when involving the entire office almost. But he was making definite eye contact. Positive steps. I'm not gonna make anything happen though. If it happens it happens. I'm not counting on shit though. Hence, VIBRATOR PARTY IN MY PANTS!!!!! I'm just so excited. I haven't owned a functional sex toy in over a year. I used to hide out and wank when I was getting depressed. Now I just wank whenever. I don't discriminate.
Oh. This has turned into a blog about wanking. Terrible. I'm not gonna say sorry though, because you should have known that I'm prone to doing things like this.
Stop being a dick and ignoring me. Like actually, how old are you? Too old to be pulling this shit. That's how old. I don't even know the last time I gave someone the silent treatment. Especially not for days. DAYS! STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG AND JUST TALK TO ME. ASK ME SOME MENIAL SHIT. I DON'T CARE. JUST STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING EGG.
That's okay. I'm wearing my "Who's That?" t-shirt today, and I really want someone to ask me what it says, so I can use a bitch voice and say it.
Okay, just spoke a TINY bit. And only cos I know shit. It's just dumb. DUMB.
Yes, I'm in a capsy mood today. BUT GUESS WHAT??????!!!! TODAY! I GET! A VIBRATOR! It's going to love me forever too. Unconditionally. Okay, as long as it has batteries. I should buy a box. I think I'm going to just end up spending a whole bunch of time masturbating. Like heaps. I can tell. I'll start going to bed at 8:30 just so I can spend a while masturbating before falling asleep exhausted. Should I stop talking about wanking? Maybe yes. Would you like that? Wait, you were enjoying this weren't you. Getting all randy. Hot and bothered, imagining me playing with myself. Okay okay, I'll stop. I know you aren't really enjoying it that much. Maybe a little, but you could never admit it.
Okay. He talked to me a little more, but only when involving the entire office almost. But he was making definite eye contact. Positive steps. I'm not gonna make anything happen though. If it happens it happens. I'm not counting on shit though. Hence, VIBRATOR PARTY IN MY PANTS!!!!! I'm just so excited. I haven't owned a functional sex toy in over a year. I used to hide out and wank when I was getting depressed. Now I just wank whenever. I don't discriminate.
Oh. This has turned into a blog about wanking. Terrible. I'm not gonna say sorry though, because you should have known that I'm prone to doing things like this.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I thought I cared
But maybe I don't.
Am I actually that fickle? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just not going to tolerate being left in the background, struggling to get some attention. Maybe that's what I've decided. That I shouldn't have to try this hard. Yep. I'm too good for that much effort to be wasted on one person who only wants me once in a blue moon. I want more attention than that.
All I can say, is don't kiss me on the street if you don't want me to think that maybe, there might be a possibility of something more. I think that's a good rule to have. A really, really good rule. Especially if you don't want to confuse someone. Especially someone who is a mildly vulnerable emotional position. Because they're really anxious about flying out of the country. Just don't do it, because hopes will be raised, and then they'll spend their whooooole holiday, thinking maybe they've got a chance when they get back, when really, no, they don't.
It's okay. I'm quite happy to continue a casual thing, but he's going to have to actually try, because I'm not going to. As much as I want him, I'm just going to sit back and wait. And if nothing else happens? Well, that's okay. Whatever. Done with caring.
I still want to date someone. I have a whole bunch of affection that's just swishing round inside me. I can't get a dog until I've done my South America thing. So not until the start of 2012. At least. That gives me a little over a year and a half of limitless affection with no outlet. Yep. And I'm bored of being alone. Not that I'm really lonely, but I just. Uh. I think I'm going to work on more attainable crushes. Not in a lowering of standards kind of way. But in a, not almost impossible to make work kind of way. Yep.
Speaking of goals, really need to start learning how to drive. Really need to get a new card. Right. It just became tomorrows lunchtime mission. Because having a sense of achievement is good, and it motivates me to do more.
What's also good, is getting laid. Which I did. On Saturday night. He was maybe a little bit on the young side of things. Not actually too young, just younger than my usual age bracket allows. He's 3 years(and 3 days) younger than me. I'm friends with him on facebook. That's how I was so specific about the age gap just then. But. It totally didn't matter. Because he still knew what he was doing. And that's the only reason why I put that rule in place. Because I was sick of young guys not know what they're doing. SO not a problem. Even went down on me straight away, and quite frankly, doesn't get more gentlemanly than that.
Funny thing is, bartender at Caverns younger brother. I was told yesterday that I should try and sleep with all the staff there. I reckon I could almost do it. I don't know that I should be becoming the Cavern slut though. The one with the longterm girlfriend might be a slight problem. Probably the main one I'd like to sleep with. That's okay. I could sleep with the older brother. LOLOLOLOLOL! I don't think I've ever slept with brothers. Together or seperately.
TA was there with his new girlfriend. He really isn't TA anymore, but I can't be bothered giving him a different name. I made accidental bitch face when talking about her the next day. I think it was more of a bitchface at Rugrats to be fair. Because she seemed nice enough, and I still feel good about the fact that I ditched him because he wouldn't have started his thing with her if I was still around. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I'm just really, not attracted.
I really like tall guys though. I also really want a piggyback. Yeah. That would be rad. Tall and muscular. But not retardedly muscular. Because that's yuck. Put your veins away, they're freaking me out. YUCK! VEINS! EW! Not ewe. Ew.
I have pole dancing tonight. I hope I do. I forgot to email them until today but I'm assuming that it'll be fine. She'll be right. It's the kiwi way. I'm really looking forward to it though. I need to do some decent exercise. Although, did walk most of the way to work today. It keeps raining on me when I'm walking to work. It's a bit shit. I'm looking forward to summer and its more agreeable weather.
I'm going to return to working properly. I've always been working properly. THE WHOLE DAY. Stink. I really liked sneaking off and having sexy times. Ah well. It might still happen. I'm just not feeling overly optimistic. Who knows. Tomorrow I may have changed my tune completely. We'll see!
Am I actually that fickle? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just not going to tolerate being left in the background, struggling to get some attention. Maybe that's what I've decided. That I shouldn't have to try this hard. Yep. I'm too good for that much effort to be wasted on one person who only wants me once in a blue moon. I want more attention than that.
All I can say, is don't kiss me on the street if you don't want me to think that maybe, there might be a possibility of something more. I think that's a good rule to have. A really, really good rule. Especially if you don't want to confuse someone. Especially someone who is a mildly vulnerable emotional position. Because they're really anxious about flying out of the country. Just don't do it, because hopes will be raised, and then they'll spend their whooooole holiday, thinking maybe they've got a chance when they get back, when really, no, they don't.
It's okay. I'm quite happy to continue a casual thing, but he's going to have to actually try, because I'm not going to. As much as I want him, I'm just going to sit back and wait. And if nothing else happens? Well, that's okay. Whatever. Done with caring.
I still want to date someone. I have a whole bunch of affection that's just swishing round inside me. I can't get a dog until I've done my South America thing. So not until the start of 2012. At least. That gives me a little over a year and a half of limitless affection with no outlet. Yep. And I'm bored of being alone. Not that I'm really lonely, but I just. Uh. I think I'm going to work on more attainable crushes. Not in a lowering of standards kind of way. But in a, not almost impossible to make work kind of way. Yep.
Speaking of goals, really need to start learning how to drive. Really need to get a new card. Right. It just became tomorrows lunchtime mission. Because having a sense of achievement is good, and it motivates me to do more.
What's also good, is getting laid. Which I did. On Saturday night. He was maybe a little bit on the young side of things. Not actually too young, just younger than my usual age bracket allows. He's 3 years(and 3 days) younger than me. I'm friends with him on facebook. That's how I was so specific about the age gap just then. But. It totally didn't matter. Because he still knew what he was doing. And that's the only reason why I put that rule in place. Because I was sick of young guys not know what they're doing. SO not a problem. Even went down on me straight away, and quite frankly, doesn't get more gentlemanly than that.
Funny thing is, bartender at Caverns younger brother. I was told yesterday that I should try and sleep with all the staff there. I reckon I could almost do it. I don't know that I should be becoming the Cavern slut though. The one with the longterm girlfriend might be a slight problem. Probably the main one I'd like to sleep with. That's okay. I could sleep with the older brother. LOLOLOLOLOL! I don't think I've ever slept with brothers. Together or seperately.
TA was there with his new girlfriend. He really isn't TA anymore, but I can't be bothered giving him a different name. I made accidental bitch face when talking about her the next day. I think it was more of a bitchface at Rugrats to be fair. Because she seemed nice enough, and I still feel good about the fact that I ditched him because he wouldn't have started his thing with her if I was still around. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I'm just really, not attracted.
I really like tall guys though. I also really want a piggyback. Yeah. That would be rad. Tall and muscular. But not retardedly muscular. Because that's yuck. Put your veins away, they're freaking me out. YUCK! VEINS! EW! Not ewe. Ew.
I have pole dancing tonight. I hope I do. I forgot to email them until today but I'm assuming that it'll be fine. She'll be right. It's the kiwi way. I'm really looking forward to it though. I need to do some decent exercise. Although, did walk most of the way to work today. It keeps raining on me when I'm walking to work. It's a bit shit. I'm looking forward to summer and its more agreeable weather.
I'm going to return to working properly. I've always been working properly. THE WHOLE DAY. Stink. I really liked sneaking off and having sexy times. Ah well. It might still happen. I'm just not feeling overly optimistic. Who knows. Tomorrow I may have changed my tune completely. We'll see!
Friday, September 17, 2010
I want to talk to him but I don't know if I can.
It's like there's a force field stopping me.
There are so many things I want to say but I'm holding myself back. I don't think he feels the same. But how would I know? You don't know unless you ask. I'll get there. Give me a week and some decent sleep. I was going to ask today. I couldn't find the words. It's scary. Life is scary. You don't gain anything without taking a risk. I feel like...there's added risk. Because of the circumstances surrounding it. I think he's annoyed at me. I should be annoyed at him. Sheesh.
I'm starved of intimacy. I crave physical contact. I think I'm hitting a bit of a low. Maybe it's just sleep deprivation. I don't know. Do you? Can you offer some insight into my mind?
I feel a wave of self destruction. Maybe a tsunami. I'm feeling self concious and uncertain.
It's not all bad though.
Today, I was asked if I wanted to work on level 6 in marketing for a couple of months. I'm not sure when I'll be starting. I figure it'll be good on my cv. A little career development never did anyone harm. Or maybe it did. But I think this should be good for me. I was going to ask then how he felt. While we were talking about my future opportunities. He was checking me out and I felt confident about where I stood. But now, I'm not so sure.
It's havoc on the roads tonight. Multiple car crashes, pretty much everywhere. I'm cranking.
There are so many things I want to say but I'm holding myself back. I don't think he feels the same. But how would I know? You don't know unless you ask. I'll get there. Give me a week and some decent sleep. I was going to ask today. I couldn't find the words. It's scary. Life is scary. You don't gain anything without taking a risk. I feel like...there's added risk. Because of the circumstances surrounding it. I think he's annoyed at me. I should be annoyed at him. Sheesh.
I'm starved of intimacy. I crave physical contact. I think I'm hitting a bit of a low. Maybe it's just sleep deprivation. I don't know. Do you? Can you offer some insight into my mind?
I feel a wave of self destruction. Maybe a tsunami. I'm feeling self concious and uncertain.
It's not all bad though.
Today, I was asked if I wanted to work on level 6 in marketing for a couple of months. I'm not sure when I'll be starting. I figure it'll be good on my cv. A little career development never did anyone harm. Or maybe it did. But I think this should be good for me. I was going to ask then how he felt. While we were talking about my future opportunities. He was checking me out and I felt confident about where I stood. But now, I'm not so sure.
It's havoc on the roads tonight. Multiple car crashes, pretty much everywhere. I'm cranking.
Monday, August 30, 2010
HOLY CRAP!
I leave the country in 45 hours. I didn't sleep very much last night because I was so anxious. I think I'll take a lorazepam tonight. Because I really need to have a decent sleep before I leave Wellington. I'm at work. I feel like vomiting. I'm still very anxious. I haven't had enough sleep to deal with my anxiety in a constructive way either. I know I'll be fine. I know I will. I can't shake the feeling of impending doom though. Maybe it was better when I had the sexual frustration to focus on. It's much easier to go to sleep thinking about banging someone than thinking about how you're going to a huge city where you know nobody and can't speak the language.
Wait. I think I just may have found a way to make myself feel better. It kinda works. I'm not going to go into specifics. But I THINK, it might just work enough to get my through today without puking on someone. Which is awesome. Because nobody likes to be vomited on. Unless they have a weird fetish for it. I don't know what it's called, and I think it sounds way worse than being urinated on, and possibly on par with being shat on...no, vomit isn't as bad as poo. Poo would cause vomit. Anyway, people with vomiting fetishes are weird and sick. But, I don't think I will be unwittingly fulfilling anyone's fantasies about such things today. With my new coping mechanism. It will all be okay. OKAY!
Wait, I still feel nauseous. Still taking a lorazepam before bed tonight. OH GOD. Work should be busier. So that I'm not so time rich while unable to do the things I really need to get done. Like call WINZ and check that they will in fact let me out of the country. And...see Meg. And try to find out where my rail pass is at. And do some washing. And pack my bag(I started last night). And buy some shoes so that I have options other than high chucks or heels whilst in Japan. Aaaaaaand...buy salt and vinegar kettles and some black forst icecream. And Lucas's pawpaw.
I just decided I'm going for a run when I eventually make it home. It might help me relax somewhat. I could be wrong. I think it should help though. Okay. Writing a list. I'm gonna go and have my break. Y'all should hear from me again once I'm ion Japan. Maybe I'll write a crazy sleep deprived one when I get to Narita. Maybe I won't. I might just say things on facebook from time to time and write myself a travel journal instead. YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING!
LOVE YOU XXXXXX
WISH ME LUCK!
Wait. I think I just may have found a way to make myself feel better. It kinda works. I'm not going to go into specifics. But I THINK, it might just work enough to get my through today without puking on someone. Which is awesome. Because nobody likes to be vomited on. Unless they have a weird fetish for it. I don't know what it's called, and I think it sounds way worse than being urinated on, and possibly on par with being shat on...no, vomit isn't as bad as poo. Poo would cause vomit. Anyway, people with vomiting fetishes are weird and sick. But, I don't think I will be unwittingly fulfilling anyone's fantasies about such things today. With my new coping mechanism. It will all be okay. OKAY!
Wait, I still feel nauseous. Still taking a lorazepam before bed tonight. OH GOD. Work should be busier. So that I'm not so time rich while unable to do the things I really need to get done. Like call WINZ and check that they will in fact let me out of the country. And...see Meg. And try to find out where my rail pass is at. And do some washing. And pack my bag(I started last night). And buy some shoes so that I have options other than high chucks or heels whilst in Japan. Aaaaaaand...buy salt and vinegar kettles and some black forst icecream. And Lucas's pawpaw.
I just decided I'm going for a run when I eventually make it home. It might help me relax somewhat. I could be wrong. I think it should help though. Okay. Writing a list. I'm gonna go and have my break. Y'all should hear from me again once I'm ion Japan. Maybe I'll write a crazy sleep deprived one when I get to Narita. Maybe I won't. I might just say things on facebook from time to time and write myself a travel journal instead. YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING!
LOVE YOU XXXXXX
WISH ME LUCK!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
It's Raining
But I'm the happiest girl in the world.
There are probably happier people than me right now, but I'm preeeeetty damn happy. Today, even though I might be at work, is rad. I got the best wake up ever "I'm at your door" YUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
And I leave for Japan in a couple of days. I can't even begin to explain the anxiety I was feeling last night, but I'm doing good now. It'll all be okay. I'm going to print maps of how to get to my hotel to make me feel more secure. I figure if I have all the information ready for me, I'll be okay. I will have done all I can to prepare myself. And I can do no more. And if bad things are going to happen, I can't do anything to stop them. But they probably won't, and I shouldn't work myself into an unable to eat anything anxiety because there's nothing I can do either way. I really almost vomited last night. Such a good sign.
I love Sir Mix A-Lot. He's so awesome.
It's deathly quiet in the office today. So quiet. There's only 5 of us. I realise I should have written the word five then, but I couldn't be bothered.
I'm so dry today. This blog was supposed to be short. I'm going to finish now. Lets just say, life is good. So good. I'm happy. I'm going to put photos on the computer. YES!
There are probably happier people than me right now, but I'm preeeeetty damn happy. Today, even though I might be at work, is rad. I got the best wake up ever "I'm at your door" YUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
And I leave for Japan in a couple of days. I can't even begin to explain the anxiety I was feeling last night, but I'm doing good now. It'll all be okay. I'm going to print maps of how to get to my hotel to make me feel more secure. I figure if I have all the information ready for me, I'll be okay. I will have done all I can to prepare myself. And I can do no more. And if bad things are going to happen, I can't do anything to stop them. But they probably won't, and I shouldn't work myself into an unable to eat anything anxiety because there's nothing I can do either way. I really almost vomited last night. Such a good sign.
I love Sir Mix A-Lot. He's so awesome.
It's deathly quiet in the office today. So quiet. There's only 5 of us. I realise I should have written the word five then, but I couldn't be bothered.
I'm so dry today. This blog was supposed to be short. I'm going to finish now. Lets just say, life is good. So good. I'm happy. I'm going to put photos on the computer. YES!
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