Rashy

You know what I've never found? A man with a fetish for rashyness.

There must be one out there, right? I mean, there's someone with a fetish for just about any thing you can think of, why not a skin condition?

Of course I did.

I broke up with him.

I kind of regret it. I realised last night that it's going to be hard work to find another man who ticks as many of the boxes. I'm definitely sad about it. It was never going to work though. I just wanted to kiss him so much when he was sitting there trying to process through the shock that I didn't want to be with him any more.

And then, because I'm me, last night, I went and fucked some fucking dickhead. OH MY GOD. What did I get myself into.

I'm gonna talk about this because it doesn't make me sad. It makes me annoyed.

So, I guess I should have known that men who see me pee are never the men that I should sleep with, or even associate with, because, by their very nature, they are perverts.

This one was no exception. American. Tattoo artist - Note: Biggest fucking masochist I've ever met. 26. Loves to talk. Brian.

Things he loves: Urine(I pissed in front of the wrooooooong guy). Pain. Feet.

I hit the fucking jackpot of fetishy stuff that isn't my scene. I mean, a little bit of pain, that's okay, I like that. And sure, whipping someones balls might be entertaining. But really, when it becomes the only way you can get off, it's too much for me.

So, we're fooling around, his crazyness slowly unfurling before me. I'm choosing to pretend that it isn't as bad as I internally know.

We go to my room, and he's not quite hard enough. Probably because I haven't inflicted enough pain yet. So, I do that for a bit, and then he decides he's going to put his cock in me. Without a condom. And he got to about the tip and I'm moving away and making him get out of me, and he starts getting all sad and pathetic. And I'm like " No. You have to use a condom if you're going to have sex with me. If you don't want to use a condom, you can leave." And he's getting a little whiny, and I'm just sticking to my guns, making the rules VERY clear. And he's like "aw, but I wanna be inside you, just let me be inside you" and I was like, no, you have to wear a condom.

And so I pulled out a condom, and it's an XL one, it fits him perfectly fine. I realise that a condom is never going to be as amazing as unprotected sex, but you know what? I'm not that little girl who used to take massive, stupid risks any more. Because I value myself, and my health, and I don't have to sleep with any one who doesn't want to wear a condom.

He begrudgingly puts it on, making a stink about it. He starts fucking me, and I'm enjoying it. It's good. But he only goes for a few minutes, and then he stops, and he's like "I can't do this, it's awkward, and uncomfortable, and I hate it" . I was disappointed, but you know, that's fine, eat my pussy. But he keeps going on about it. Like, just keeps going on and on, and it's making it really fucking awkward. And then he keeps trying to put his cock in  me without a condom. And so I started getting really defensive, because I'd lost any trust. And then he keeps biting my nipple that little bit too hard, and I'm quietly freaking out that I have taken home a mentally deranged man, and he's going to start staking me.

HE SAID HE LOVED ME.

So, yep. It went on like that for a while, and I was getting pretty over it. And there comes a point, where he's like " Do you want me to go" and I'm like, kind of yes. Leave. You aren't helping me fuck to forget at all. And he's all sad and whingy and shit. Gormless. I hate that shit. And he wants to cum. So I let him do that. I stuck my finger up his arse. He didn't ask me to. I just got the vibe that he would love it. He did. So he comes, and then I'm like "Okay, you have to leave now" and he's all whiny about that. And he goes on about wanting to sleep next to someone, and blah blah blah. And I was like, No. You have to go home now. Because I just broke up with someone, and I want to be alone right now. It took so fucking long to get him out of my house. He still kept going on about how he was sorry and he couldn't fuck me with a condom.

UGH. Seriously. Such an ordeal. And I just woke up feeling guilty about everything. Which isn't what I wanted at all. And I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I do. Did.

I'm going to eat some edamame. And watch a stupid movie. Life. Gosh.

Ah, the blogtuary(sanctuary - I didn't know if you'd get that one...).

Things really mustn't be going my way. I'm feeling anxious. There are some things at work that I haven't done that I should have already. And the whole boyf situation.

I just, I dunno. I'm seeing him tomorrow. I guess I'll see how things go and take whatever action is needed from there.

I've started smoking again too. I mean, I never completely stopped, because I'd smoke when I got drunk, but now there's smoking at home cos the flatmate is away and I don't have to worry about getting caught.

Hit a rut. Big time.

Gosh. Thought I'd collected my shit, but it would appear, no, no I have not.

I feel kind of sad, but not. Like, I'll have time to see people again because I've really been a bit shit in that department lately. I've already decided, haven't I.

I just, there's a sassy beast inside of me and she's getting restless, and I can't stop her from getting out and it's better to stop things now than to let them go on as if nothing is wrong, because it is. Clearly. Or else I wouldn't be writing this.

It's time to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Night x

I think I'm going to have to end it.

*sigh* Such potential for greatness, but I can't live knowing that he's waiting for the next insult, or insensitive comment. It's too much. Or the next fight. We haven't even had a proper fight. Just his fear of a fight. Pessimism bringing me down. Creating what you expect.

Now to figure out how to do it. Gonna break his heart.

I'm going to quietly hope that he hasn't stalked my blog. Because what would be worse than reading about how your girlfriend is planning to dump you on her blog?