That's a lie. A blatant, outright lie. I love the sun. But today, it's sunny, and I'm still feeling sad. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because...no, I don't know why. I'm just so bored I could chew my own arm off. No, not my arm, I need that for the typing. Unless someone wants to buy me one of those things where you just talk and the computer figures out what you're saying and turns it into text. I think that could bother some of my coworkers.
I'm only happy when it's complicated.
I think, my problem, is that I want to have sex, with just one person, and that person is going away on Saturday, and I don't know that I'll be getting to have sex with him before he goes. And the fact of the matter is that I have a huge crush on him, and I don't know that he reciprocates this feeling, but I think he likes me, and I know he has issues. SO MANY ISSUES. One day, I'll meet someone who doesn't have hang ups. Wait wait wait. The longer I wait the more likely people are to have issues right? Because they can be something that really accumulates over time. But, in saying that, maybe they might be learning how to deal with, and move on past their issues.
And though I know you can't appreciate it.
Because my shit, it's pretty minor. On the scale of things. Pretty fucking minor.
Okay. Stopping this. Mostly because the rest of the lines to the song don't fit with anything I wish to moan about.
I think, actually, can't really be bothered writing anymore. I'M JUST SO BORED.
There is officially no work to do. None. I could go up to the call centre. Don't want to.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
LETS GET POSTIN!
Sarp bitches?
I'm gonna type however I please. Because I've had 4 hours sleep. And I had ritz last night. And I was drinking. And it's 11.17 on Sunday morning and I'm at work. Life is rad. Life is cool. Life is full of quirky little suprises to trip you up when you least expect it.
Joyous. I'm really looking forward to everyone arriving for Christmas. I don't really care about Christmas as a whole, but I'm glad I get to see my friends. All of them. Maybe not every single one, but most, and that's good enough for me to get some serious excitement face going. Could almost do an excitement dance even. That's how much I excite I have.
I was going to go to the hospital today and do some visitin. I don't think it's going to happen. I don't know that I'm feeling stable enough to be in a psych ward. Even if it is just sleep deprivation and I'll probably be fine. Dammit. Just realised I have no food. I have eggs. And a single crust. Possibly some fish, and some duck, and a bit of broccoli(it's probably brown so I'm not counting it though). So, I have a bunch of protein, and not a lot of anything else. I haven't been for a shop in too long. My emergency supplies have been depleted. If there's an emergency, all I'll have to eat is dry protein powder. And maybe a can of fruit. I NEED TO BUY VEGETABLES. I miss them. I mean, I've still been eating them, but not with the frequency they deserve. I should be eating vegetables a million times a day, and they're lucky if the get to feature in more than one meal. GET IN MY FACE VEGETABLES! My big problem at the moment, is that I'm never home to cook. And when I am, I'm feeding an army. And most of the time lately, other people have been feeding me. Which is awesome. So awesome. but also means the motivation to actually buy a decent amount of food is really just not there. And if I just shop at Newtown New World, it's too pricey to do a proper shop, and they really don't have the selection I would like to have available to me.
I think I'm going to eat pasta tonight. With chick peas. Damn. I really want to go to pak n save. They have israeli couscous, which, if you haven't tried, you should, because it's awesome. It's like regular couscous, but way larger, and has a delightful texture. I loves it. But it's hard to find. So hard to find.
I just cleaned this desk because the filth factor was getting to me. SO MUCH! It was gross. It's worse when it's someone elses filth. I can live in my own filth, that's fine. If that's the choice I want to make for myself, well, that's up to me. I don't think however, when you sit at a shared desk that it should be filthy. I mean, how long has it been like that for? And why has no one else bothered to clean it? I don't understand. It's other peoples grime. Yuck. Is this irrational? I'm sure it isn't.
I'm super excited about getting Jelly in the mail. And no, I don't mean pre made jelly. Just the crystals. FOR WRESTLING! I'ma bring the smackdown! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROAWR! Watch yo ass cos it's gonna hurt when I'm done! Yeah, you knwo I'm not actually gonna destroy you, just bring shame upon you and your family for the way that you fail so mightily against me. Hahahah I better win, or else I'll look like a fooooool. And I don't want that. Oh no. That would be terrible.
So, last night, I went to Cavern. And I met this man, who apparently does something to do with 7 Days and some other nz comedy thing that I REALLY can't remember what it was. But anyway, he decides he wants to dance with me. Not just dance. Interpretive dance. That involves spinning me a lot. Or at least trying to. I'm a really awkward dancer when I'm not doing my standard grindy hip dance. And then, he picks me up, and spins me around in the air. It was weird. But hilarious. I pretty much just stood there and laughed awkwardly.
Oh man. Nausea just kicked in it does appear. I need to eat something. Something gentle. Something that isn't going to spark a horrible chain reaction that will inevitably involve vomiting. Although...no, vomit. I don't want to do it. And I don't doubt my bodies ability to hurl. Because you should never underestimate such things. It can lead to regrettable situations.
My underwear is up my ass. It is a g string. I suppose that's what I get for wearing one.
Half the women in my office are knitting/crafting. I say this in a room of 5 females(including myself). But I have a question. Am I missing out on something? I mean, crafting has never been my thing, but so many people seem to get enjoyment out of it. But I just..I don't know. Women confuse the crap out of me. And I am one. I feel sorry for men. Women are strange and complex beasts. Full of emotions. And feeeeeeelings. I have lots of feelings. I manage to keep them under wraps most of the time. Not always. But mostly. I did burst into tears when I got home on Friday. Uncontrollable tears. But then I knew that I needed to see Patient X, and if I didn't, then I would be letting her down. So I went. And I felt so much better for it. I love her.
I think I just decided what I'm going to wear on Christmas day. This dress I'm wearing presently. Because it's nonrestrictive. And I'm pretty sure that no waist band is the correct waist band for Christmas. I'm kind of dreading all the food. Not because I don't want to eat it, but sometimes, it just makes me so anxious. And I get worried that I'm going to vomit. And then the anxiety that I'm going to vomit makes me want to vomit even more. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. I'm pretty sure though, that continuous, mild anxiety, is most excellent for weight loss. Because the desire to eat, it almost disappears. I would rather be able to eat. And not worry about the vom factor. It's way better than it used to be. I actually was incapable of eating out with my father for quite some time because it just made me so anxious I'd be borderline about to vom the whole time. Oh god. Eating a meal with him when I was hung over. Worst. Idea. Ever. Just seeing the plate of food almost made me hurl. I had to go to the bathroom and try and calm myself down. It's ridiculous. I love food. Feed me tasty things! They are awesome! I just seem to be incapable of consuming large amounts of anything 99% of the time. Unless I'm wasted, and then I can just munch out. But even then, I can't do it like I used to. Maybe I have food issues that I myself was unaware I had.
Gosh. Who knows. Ow. I hurt. Oh man. I still have another 4 hours. This shit's painful. I'm going for my lunch break. Hopefully I can contain the urge to vomit. Loves you
XXXX
I'm gonna type however I please. Because I've had 4 hours sleep. And I had ritz last night. And I was drinking. And it's 11.17 on Sunday morning and I'm at work. Life is rad. Life is cool. Life is full of quirky little suprises to trip you up when you least expect it.
Joyous. I'm really looking forward to everyone arriving for Christmas. I don't really care about Christmas as a whole, but I'm glad I get to see my friends. All of them. Maybe not every single one, but most, and that's good enough for me to get some serious excitement face going. Could almost do an excitement dance even. That's how much I excite I have.
I was going to go to the hospital today and do some visitin. I don't think it's going to happen. I don't know that I'm feeling stable enough to be in a psych ward. Even if it is just sleep deprivation and I'll probably be fine. Dammit. Just realised I have no food. I have eggs. And a single crust. Possibly some fish, and some duck, and a bit of broccoli(it's probably brown so I'm not counting it though). So, I have a bunch of protein, and not a lot of anything else. I haven't been for a shop in too long. My emergency supplies have been depleted. If there's an emergency, all I'll have to eat is dry protein powder. And maybe a can of fruit. I NEED TO BUY VEGETABLES. I miss them. I mean, I've still been eating them, but not with the frequency they deserve. I should be eating vegetables a million times a day, and they're lucky if the get to feature in more than one meal. GET IN MY FACE VEGETABLES! My big problem at the moment, is that I'm never home to cook. And when I am, I'm feeding an army. And most of the time lately, other people have been feeding me. Which is awesome. So awesome. but also means the motivation to actually buy a decent amount of food is really just not there. And if I just shop at Newtown New World, it's too pricey to do a proper shop, and they really don't have the selection I would like to have available to me.
I think I'm going to eat pasta tonight. With chick peas. Damn. I really want to go to pak n save. They have israeli couscous, which, if you haven't tried, you should, because it's awesome. It's like regular couscous, but way larger, and has a delightful texture. I loves it. But it's hard to find. So hard to find.
I just cleaned this desk because the filth factor was getting to me. SO MUCH! It was gross. It's worse when it's someone elses filth. I can live in my own filth, that's fine. If that's the choice I want to make for myself, well, that's up to me. I don't think however, when you sit at a shared desk that it should be filthy. I mean, how long has it been like that for? And why has no one else bothered to clean it? I don't understand. It's other peoples grime. Yuck. Is this irrational? I'm sure it isn't.
I'm super excited about getting Jelly in the mail. And no, I don't mean pre made jelly. Just the crystals. FOR WRESTLING! I'ma bring the smackdown! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROAWR! Watch yo ass cos it's gonna hurt when I'm done! Yeah, you knwo I'm not actually gonna destroy you, just bring shame upon you and your family for the way that you fail so mightily against me. Hahahah I better win, or else I'll look like a fooooool. And I don't want that. Oh no. That would be terrible.
So, last night, I went to Cavern. And I met this man, who apparently does something to do with 7 Days and some other nz comedy thing that I REALLY can't remember what it was. But anyway, he decides he wants to dance with me. Not just dance. Interpretive dance. That involves spinning me a lot. Or at least trying to. I'm a really awkward dancer when I'm not doing my standard grindy hip dance. And then, he picks me up, and spins me around in the air. It was weird. But hilarious. I pretty much just stood there and laughed awkwardly.
Oh man. Nausea just kicked in it does appear. I need to eat something. Something gentle. Something that isn't going to spark a horrible chain reaction that will inevitably involve vomiting. Although...no, vomit. I don't want to do it. And I don't doubt my bodies ability to hurl. Because you should never underestimate such things. It can lead to regrettable situations.
My underwear is up my ass. It is a g string. I suppose that's what I get for wearing one.
Half the women in my office are knitting/crafting. I say this in a room of 5 females(including myself). But I have a question. Am I missing out on something? I mean, crafting has never been my thing, but so many people seem to get enjoyment out of it. But I just..I don't know. Women confuse the crap out of me. And I am one. I feel sorry for men. Women are strange and complex beasts. Full of emotions. And feeeeeeelings. I have lots of feelings. I manage to keep them under wraps most of the time. Not always. But mostly. I did burst into tears when I got home on Friday. Uncontrollable tears. But then I knew that I needed to see Patient X, and if I didn't, then I would be letting her down. So I went. And I felt so much better for it. I love her.
I think I just decided what I'm going to wear on Christmas day. This dress I'm wearing presently. Because it's nonrestrictive. And I'm pretty sure that no waist band is the correct waist band for Christmas. I'm kind of dreading all the food. Not because I don't want to eat it, but sometimes, it just makes me so anxious. And I get worried that I'm going to vomit. And then the anxiety that I'm going to vomit makes me want to vomit even more. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. I'm pretty sure though, that continuous, mild anxiety, is most excellent for weight loss. Because the desire to eat, it almost disappears. I would rather be able to eat. And not worry about the vom factor. It's way better than it used to be. I actually was incapable of eating out with my father for quite some time because it just made me so anxious I'd be borderline about to vom the whole time. Oh god. Eating a meal with him when I was hung over. Worst. Idea. Ever. Just seeing the plate of food almost made me hurl. I had to go to the bathroom and try and calm myself down. It's ridiculous. I love food. Feed me tasty things! They are awesome! I just seem to be incapable of consuming large amounts of anything 99% of the time. Unless I'm wasted, and then I can just munch out. But even then, I can't do it like I used to. Maybe I have food issues that I myself was unaware I had.
Gosh. Who knows. Ow. I hurt. Oh man. I still have another 4 hours. This shit's painful. I'm going for my lunch break. Hopefully I can contain the urge to vomit. Loves you
XXXX
Friday, December 17, 2010
Potential Gold.
Is what this blog is. I'm not going to lie to you now am I?
First off, haven't blogged in a while. I just. I don't feel comfortable blogging about what I want to blog about(stopping the word blog right now) at work in my current office. It's too...open.
Anyway. Things. So many things going on right now. WHy is everyone...not coping. Shit just seems so hard right now for so many people. And, in a way, I'm absorbing some of this, because...well, that's what friends do isn't it?
I think I should make clear my current substance mind. Okay. That sounded bad. I'm not re-writing shit by the way. Once it's typed, unless it's spelling errors, I'ma try keep it in. I have, at present, had 6 spots this evening, and 2 ciders. I'm feeling like a drinking light weight. I just. It's so much harder than it used to be. I'm so fucking old. SO anyway, obviously, tangents are to be expected. It's inevitable. Honesty is the key to a happy life. Not really. You still need to tell people shit. Because, I don't know, keeping it inside makes whatever it is worse. Lies are still important sometimes. To protect people. BUt you have to be doing it for the right reasons.
Okay. I was just looking at someones photos on facebook, and they were making me shout things out. I would just like to point out the fact that I'm at home alone right now. On a Friday night. I'm fucking winning. I am a ball of sexual frustration. I just. Everyone else's stuff has been way bigger than anything else recently. But today. Maybe this whole week, the frustration, it's been bubbling under the surface. It's just slowing been building. I'm being monogamous with a man I'm not even in a relationship. What's wrong with me? My genitals have not been touched in 2 weeks. And I've been too worn out by the time I get to bed to masturbate. It just hasn't been happening. And. Gosh. WHY WON'T YOU TOUCH MY VAGINA?! BAH!
Sorry. But it's really, it's really at the forefront of my mind right now. I still haven't talked to him. We were supposed to be going out for dinner for his birthday. Which was on Tuesday. As far as I know, it's still happening. He wanted to take me to an Ethiopian place. Apparently it's only open on Mondays. I don't know. I just go along with things. Please? I want to wear a pretty dress and look like a real proper lady. I always look like a lady. But, I wanna wear a fancy dress. Not fancy, pretty. I just want to get dressed up, and eat a meal with him. An evening meal. Mmmm beer.
I'm certain he likes me. And I just realised this whole blog has been about him. I'm sorry. I haven't really had the time to just think and talk about shit that's bothering me in a while. At my own pace. A sentence at a time if I want. I'm kinda hungry. Munchies. I think I need more spots. It may spell the end of my blog. TOnight. Because, well, I'm unsure if I'll still be able to type. It's not the easiest at present you know. My fingers still feel nimble though, which I'm sure is a positive sign. I should have a smoke. I shouldn't really. It's bad for me. I'll be stopping in 2 weeks. For good. It's my New Years resolution. Because, I feel like it's time. And I'll buy pretty dresses instead of cigarettes. And I'll exercise instead of smoking. And my pot will be getting cut back considerably too. Because. It needs to happen. I'll keep smoking until the end of the new years celebratory period. And then it's gone. I'm going to have to start running more often. I only did it once this week. I might go for one tomorrow. Mmmm. Because I shouldn't be hung over.
People were giving me shit for having protein powder. And, I just want to say, don't care. And I'm having it more because I'm worried that I don't necessarily get enough protein in my diet and this way I know that at least I'm getting some. So shhh.
I've just reached a point, where I need to exercise. Or it effects my mood. Pole is really good. I'm quite happy now that I'm back in serines class. I really like her teaching style, and, I'm really impressed at how much my upper body and core strength has improved. I want to find a playground with a pole in it. Do playgrounds even have poles anymore? Or were they unsafe and had to be removed and replaced. SHit just seems a little too cotton wool coated for kids these days. I'm pretty sure minor injuries are part of being a child. Not beating of children, but more, falling off poles, flying off the ends of slides, getting hit in the head by the kid on the swing, that kind of thing. ANd now, I must smoke.
Mmmm, midnight toast. Om nom nom. I think it might be bedtime soon. Because otherwise, before I know it, I'll be going to bed at 3am. I'm so distractable.
I think I've hit a figurative wall. Do I drug away the sexual frustration, or do I...beat it out...so to speak...?
BYE! I MUST BED NOW? YES< SHIT. FORGOT THAT HOLDING SHIFT CHANGES THE PUNCTUATION. BYE!
First off, haven't blogged in a while. I just. I don't feel comfortable blogging about what I want to blog about(stopping the word blog right now) at work in my current office. It's too...open.
Anyway. Things. So many things going on right now. WHy is everyone...not coping. Shit just seems so hard right now for so many people. And, in a way, I'm absorbing some of this, because...well, that's what friends do isn't it?
I think I should make clear my current substance mind. Okay. That sounded bad. I'm not re-writing shit by the way. Once it's typed, unless it's spelling errors, I'ma try keep it in. I have, at present, had 6 spots this evening, and 2 ciders. I'm feeling like a drinking light weight. I just. It's so much harder than it used to be. I'm so fucking old. SO anyway, obviously, tangents are to be expected. It's inevitable. Honesty is the key to a happy life. Not really. You still need to tell people shit. Because, I don't know, keeping it inside makes whatever it is worse. Lies are still important sometimes. To protect people. BUt you have to be doing it for the right reasons.
Okay. I was just looking at someones photos on facebook, and they were making me shout things out. I would just like to point out the fact that I'm at home alone right now. On a Friday night. I'm fucking winning. I am a ball of sexual frustration. I just. Everyone else's stuff has been way bigger than anything else recently. But today. Maybe this whole week, the frustration, it's been bubbling under the surface. It's just slowing been building. I'm being monogamous with a man I'm not even in a relationship. What's wrong with me? My genitals have not been touched in 2 weeks. And I've been too worn out by the time I get to bed to masturbate. It just hasn't been happening. And. Gosh. WHY WON'T YOU TOUCH MY VAGINA?! BAH!
Sorry. But it's really, it's really at the forefront of my mind right now. I still haven't talked to him. We were supposed to be going out for dinner for his birthday. Which was on Tuesday. As far as I know, it's still happening. He wanted to take me to an Ethiopian place. Apparently it's only open on Mondays. I don't know. I just go along with things. Please? I want to wear a pretty dress and look like a real proper lady. I always look like a lady. But, I wanna wear a fancy dress. Not fancy, pretty. I just want to get dressed up, and eat a meal with him. An evening meal. Mmmm beer.
I'm certain he likes me. And I just realised this whole blog has been about him. I'm sorry. I haven't really had the time to just think and talk about shit that's bothering me in a while. At my own pace. A sentence at a time if I want. I'm kinda hungry. Munchies. I think I need more spots. It may spell the end of my blog. TOnight. Because, well, I'm unsure if I'll still be able to type. It's not the easiest at present you know. My fingers still feel nimble though, which I'm sure is a positive sign. I should have a smoke. I shouldn't really. It's bad for me. I'll be stopping in 2 weeks. For good. It's my New Years resolution. Because, I feel like it's time. And I'll buy pretty dresses instead of cigarettes. And I'll exercise instead of smoking. And my pot will be getting cut back considerably too. Because. It needs to happen. I'll keep smoking until the end of the new years celebratory period. And then it's gone. I'm going to have to start running more often. I only did it once this week. I might go for one tomorrow. Mmmm. Because I shouldn't be hung over.
People were giving me shit for having protein powder. And, I just want to say, don't care. And I'm having it more because I'm worried that I don't necessarily get enough protein in my diet and this way I know that at least I'm getting some. So shhh.
I've just reached a point, where I need to exercise. Or it effects my mood. Pole is really good. I'm quite happy now that I'm back in serines class. I really like her teaching style, and, I'm really impressed at how much my upper body and core strength has improved. I want to find a playground with a pole in it. Do playgrounds even have poles anymore? Or were they unsafe and had to be removed and replaced. SHit just seems a little too cotton wool coated for kids these days. I'm pretty sure minor injuries are part of being a child. Not beating of children, but more, falling off poles, flying off the ends of slides, getting hit in the head by the kid on the swing, that kind of thing. ANd now, I must smoke.
Mmmm, midnight toast. Om nom nom. I think it might be bedtime soon. Because otherwise, before I know it, I'll be going to bed at 3am. I'm so distractable.
I think I've hit a figurative wall. Do I drug away the sexual frustration, or do I...beat it out...so to speak...?
BYE! I MUST BED NOW? YES< SHIT. FORGOT THAT HOLDING SHIFT CHANGES THE PUNCTUATION. BYE!
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