I'm only happy when it rains.

That's a lie. A blatant, outright lie. I love the sun. But today, it's sunny, and I'm still feeling sad. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because...no, I don't know why. I'm just so bored I could chew my own arm off. No, not my arm, I need that for the typing. Unless someone wants to buy me one of those things where you just talk and the computer figures out what you're saying and turns it into text. I think that could bother some of my coworkers.

I'm only happy when it's complicated.

I think, my problem, is that I want to have sex, with just one person, and that person is going away on Saturday, and I don't know that I'll be getting to have sex with him before he goes. And the fact of the matter is that I have a huge crush on him, and I don't know that he reciprocates this feeling, but I think he likes me, and I know he has issues. SO MANY ISSUES. One day, I'll meet someone who doesn't have hang ups. Wait wait wait. The longer I wait the more likely people are to have issues right? Because they can be something that really accumulates over time. But, in saying that, maybe they might be learning how to deal with, and move on past their issues.

And though I know you can't appreciate it.

Because my shit, it's pretty minor. On the scale of things. Pretty fucking minor.

Okay. Stopping this. Mostly because the rest of the lines to the song don't fit with anything I wish to moan about.

I think, actually, can't really be bothered writing anymore. I'M JUST SO BORED.

There is officially no work to do. None. I could go up to the call centre. Don't want to.

LETS GET POSTIN!

Sarp bitches?

I'm gonna type however I please. Because I've had 4 hours sleep. And I had ritz last night. And I was drinking. And it's 11.17 on Sunday morning and I'm at work. Life is rad. Life is cool. Life is full of quirky little suprises to trip you up when you least expect it.

Joyous. I'm really looking forward to everyone arriving for Christmas. I don't really care about Christmas as a whole, but I'm glad I get to see my friends. All of them. Maybe not every single one, but most, and that's good enough for me to get some serious excitement face going. Could almost do an excitement dance even. That's how much I excite I have.

I was going to go to the hospital today and do some visitin. I don't think it's going to happen. I don't know that I'm feeling stable enough to be in a psych ward. Even if it is just sleep deprivation and I'll probably be fine. Dammit. Just realised I have no food. I have eggs. And a single crust. Possibly some fish, and some duck, and a bit of broccoli(it's probably brown so I'm not counting it though). So, I have a bunch of protein, and not a lot of anything else. I haven't been for a shop in too long. My emergency supplies have been depleted. If there's an emergency, all I'll have to eat is dry protein powder. And maybe a can of fruit. I NEED TO BUY VEGETABLES. I miss them. I mean, I've still been eating them, but not with the frequency they deserve. I should be eating vegetables a million times a day, and they're lucky if the get to feature in more than one meal. GET IN MY FACE VEGETABLES! My big problem at the moment, is that I'm never home to cook. And when I am, I'm feeding an army. And most of the time lately, other people have been feeding me. Which is awesome. So awesome. but also means the motivation to actually buy a decent amount of food is really just not there. And if I just shop at Newtown New World, it's too pricey to do a proper shop, and they really don't have the selection I would like to have available to me.

I think I'm going to eat pasta tonight. With chick peas. Damn. I really want to go to pak n save. They have israeli couscous, which, if you haven't tried, you should, because it's awesome. It's like regular couscous, but way larger, and has a delightful texture. I loves it. But it's hard to find. So hard to find.

I just cleaned this desk because the filth factor was getting to me. SO MUCH! It was gross. It's worse when it's someone elses filth. I can live in my own filth, that's fine. If that's the choice I want to make for myself, well, that's up to me. I don't think however, when you sit at a shared desk that it should be filthy. I mean, how long has it been like that for? And why has no one else bothered to clean it? I don't understand. It's other peoples grime. Yuck. Is this irrational? I'm sure it isn't.

I'm super excited about getting Jelly in the mail. And no, I don't mean pre made jelly. Just the crystals. FOR WRESTLING! I'ma bring the smackdown! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROAWR! Watch yo ass cos it's gonna hurt when I'm done! Yeah, you knwo I'm not actually gonna destroy you, just bring shame upon you and your family for the way that you fail so mightily against me. Hahahah I better win, or else I'll look like a fooooool. And I don't want that. Oh no. That would be terrible.

So, last night, I went to Cavern. And I met this man, who apparently does something to do with 7 Days and some other nz comedy thing that I REALLY can't remember what it was. But anyway, he decides he wants to dance with me. Not just dance. Interpretive dance. That involves spinning me a lot. Or at least trying to. I'm a really awkward dancer when I'm not doing my standard grindy hip dance. And then, he picks me up, and spins me around in the air. It was weird. But hilarious. I pretty much just stood there and laughed awkwardly.

Oh man. Nausea just kicked in it does appear. I need to eat something. Something gentle. Something that isn't going to spark a horrible chain reaction that will inevitably involve vomiting. Although...no, vomit. I don't want to do it. And I don't doubt my bodies ability to hurl. Because you should never underestimate such things. It can lead to regrettable situations.

My underwear is up my ass. It is a g string. I suppose that's what I get for wearing one.

Half the women in my office are knitting/crafting. I say this in a room of 5 females(including myself). But I have a question. Am I missing out on something? I mean, crafting has never been my thing, but so many people seem to get enjoyment out of it. But I just..I don't know. Women confuse the crap out of me. And I am one. I feel sorry for men. Women are strange and complex beasts. Full of emotions. And feeeeeeelings. I have lots of feelings. I manage to keep them under wraps most of the time. Not always. But mostly. I did burst into tears when I got home on Friday. Uncontrollable tears. But then I knew that I needed to see Patient X, and if I didn't, then I would be letting her down. So I went. And I felt so much better for it. I love her.

I think I just decided what I'm going to wear on Christmas day. This dress I'm wearing presently. Because it's nonrestrictive. And I'm pretty sure that no waist band is the correct waist band for Christmas. I'm kind of dreading all the food. Not because I don't want to eat it, but sometimes, it just makes me so anxious. And I get worried that I'm going to vomit. And then the anxiety that I'm going to vomit makes me want to vomit even more. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. I'm pretty sure though, that continuous, mild anxiety, is most excellent for weight loss. Because the desire to eat, it almost disappears. I would rather be able to eat. And not worry about the vom factor. It's way better than it used to be. I actually was incapable of eating out with my father for quite some time because it just made me so anxious I'd be borderline about to vom the whole time. Oh god. Eating a meal with him when I was hung over. Worst. Idea. Ever. Just seeing the plate of food almost made me hurl. I had to go to the bathroom and try and calm myself down. It's ridiculous. I love food. Feed me tasty things! They are awesome! I just seem to be incapable of consuming large amounts of anything 99% of the time. Unless I'm wasted, and then I can just munch out. But even then, I can't do it like I used to. Maybe I have food issues that I myself was unaware I had.

Gosh. Who knows. Ow. I hurt. Oh man. I still have another 4 hours. This shit's painful. I'm going for my lunch break. Hopefully I can contain the urge to vomit. Loves you

XXXX

Potential Gold.

Is what this blog is. I'm not going to lie to you now am I?

First off, haven't blogged in a while. I just. I don't feel comfortable blogging about what I want to blog about(stopping the word blog right now) at work in my current office. It's too...open.

Anyway. Things. So many things going on right now. WHy is everyone...not coping. Shit just seems so hard right now for so many people. And, in a way, I'm absorbing some of this, because...well, that's what friends do isn't it?

I think I should make clear my current substance mind. Okay. That sounded bad. I'm not re-writing shit by the way. Once it's typed, unless it's spelling errors, I'ma try keep it in. I have, at present, had 6 spots this evening, and 2 ciders. I'm feeling like a drinking light weight. I just. It's so much harder than it used to be. I'm so fucking old. SO anyway, obviously, tangents are to be expected. It's inevitable. Honesty is the key to a happy life. Not really. You still need to tell people shit. Because, I don't know, keeping it inside makes whatever it is worse. Lies are still important sometimes. To protect people. BUt you have to be doing it for the right reasons.

Okay. I was just looking at someones photos on facebook, and they were making me shout things out. I would just like to point out the fact that I'm at home alone right now. On a Friday night. I'm fucking winning. I am a ball of sexual frustration. I just. Everyone else's stuff has been way bigger than anything else recently. But today. Maybe this whole week, the frustration, it's been bubbling under the surface. It's just slowing been building. I'm being monogamous with a man I'm not even in a relationship. What's wrong with me? My genitals have not been touched in 2 weeks. And I've been too worn out by the time I get to bed to masturbate. It just hasn't been happening. And. Gosh. WHY WON'T YOU TOUCH MY VAGINA?! BAH!

Sorry. But it's really, it's really at the forefront of my mind right now. I still haven't talked to him. We were supposed to be going out for dinner for his birthday. Which was on Tuesday. As far as I know, it's still happening. He wanted to take me to an Ethiopian place. Apparently it's only open on Mondays. I don't know. I just go along with things. Please? I want to wear a pretty dress and look like a real proper lady. I always look like a lady. But, I wanna wear a fancy dress. Not fancy, pretty. I just want to get dressed up, and eat a meal with him. An evening meal. Mmmm beer.

I'm certain he likes me. And I just realised this whole blog has been about him. I'm sorry. I haven't really had the time to just think and talk about shit that's bothering me in a while. At my own pace. A sentence at a time if I want. I'm kinda hungry. Munchies. I think I need more spots. It may spell the end of my blog. TOnight. Because, well, I'm unsure if I'll still be able to type. It's not the easiest at present you know. My fingers still feel nimble though, which I'm sure is a positive sign. I should have a smoke. I shouldn't really. It's bad for me. I'll be stopping in 2 weeks. For good. It's my New Years resolution. Because, I feel like it's time. And I'll buy pretty dresses instead of cigarettes. And I'll exercise instead of smoking. And my pot will be getting cut back considerably too. Because. It needs to happen. I'll keep smoking until the end of the new years celebratory period. And then it's gone. I'm going to have to start running more often. I only did it once this week. I might go for one tomorrow. Mmmm. Because I shouldn't be hung over.

People were giving me shit for having protein powder. And, I just want to say, don't care. And I'm having it more because I'm worried that I don't necessarily get enough protein in my diet and this way I know that at least I'm getting some. So shhh.

I've just reached a point, where I need to exercise. Or it effects my mood. Pole is really good. I'm quite happy now that I'm back in serines class. I really like her teaching style, and, I'm really impressed at how much my upper body and core strength has improved. I want to find a playground with a pole in it. Do playgrounds even have poles anymore? Or were they unsafe and had to be removed and replaced. SHit just seems a little too cotton wool coated for kids these days. I'm pretty sure minor injuries are part of being a child. Not beating of children, but more, falling off poles, flying off the ends of slides, getting hit in the head by the kid on the swing, that kind of thing. ANd now, I must smoke.

Mmmm, midnight toast. Om nom nom. I think it might be bedtime soon. Because otherwise, before I know it, I'll be going to bed at 3am. I'm so distractable.

I think I've hit a figurative wall. Do I drug away the sexual frustration, or do I...beat it out...so to speak...?

BYE! I MUST BED NOW? YES< SHIT. FORGOT THAT HOLDING SHIFT CHANGES THE PUNCTUATION. BYE!

Say Yes

That's what the love heart candy I just eated said. I'm fully aware eated isn't a word, but I'm going to use it anyway. Because I want to. I contemplated not using it as my title, and using the next candy instead, but it saId "Keep Cool". I'll keep you updated on what the candy is telling my throughout this blog, however long this particular blog may last. I've already lost the ability to hold conversations with people, so who knows. I should just read things. But I can't be bothered. Well, I kind of can, but I can't at the same time. You know?

I'm at work(of course). I've had about 4 hours of sleep "I LOVE YOU"*. I can't form words properly anymore. I might be ever so slightly hung over. LIFE IS GOOOOOOOOD. Don't worry, I have tomorrow off. As long as I get to bed at a reasonable time, everything will be okay. My boobs look pretty good. It hasn't gone unnoticed. I'm also wearing a tiny skirt. It's so little. I quite enjoy it. I do roll over the top of the skirt(it doesn't make it sit any higher, I just fit it funny otherwise). "DEAR ONE"* Ow. My head just started hurting. "I SURRENDER"*That's a great one. I just wish to state, that I'm not eating my candy ridiculously fast, I just keep doing other things because my attention span is tiny. And every time I get a call it interrupts my typing(a window pops up and "JUST YOU"* and it stops me from typing) I also keep getting distracted by the sound of his voice. It's so distracting. For me. All the time. Especially right now. He went down on me before. It was magical. MAGICAL. EAT IT. IT TASTES LIKE CANDY! It doesn't. I don't think it does. I could be wrong. There could be genital flavoured candy. Imagine that! Crazy!

I'm totally entertaining myself waaaaaay too much right now. My typing isn't quite as smooth as it normally is. I blame the sleep thing. Probs doesn't help that I didn't get a proper sleep on Friday night either. Because drinking was more fun. I could have gotten 6 hours sleep last night also, if not for the lure of a delicious beverage. So so so tasty. Tasty isn't the right word. But it kind of is. Because, mmmmmmmm, but not because of flavour necessarily, but more for the feeeeling. I really want to have a good boogy. I really wanted to last night. But I didn't. Ooooh, last night. I'ma write about that!

So, I was helping T-Bag with stage manager duties for the Gangsters Ball. It was pretty rad. Made me want to do burlesque. And wear AMAZING nipple pasties. I actually saw some of the most amazing nipple pasties ever. They were beautiful, black, rose design ones, that went up from the nipple and were super pretty. I want. And they were hot(the ladies). So hot. And now I want to do it. Because while they all had pretty stunning bodies, and often had amazing arses, there was a real lack in the breast department. So I figure doing burlesque will make my butt more fabulous, and give me some sweet absicle definition(I've really lost motivation with that but I think I did some SWEET ab exercise drinking in bed cos daaaaamn they hurt), and I'll get to wear pretty costumes. I don't know if I have the performer thing though. I don't know that I could do it. And if I'm going to go crazies and spend that much money on fancy underwear, people better be seein it. Otherwise, what's the point? "ONLY YOU"* So anyway, I went along, helped out, made friends with the drag queen, strutted around in my pretty dress, and....yep. Got ladies water...fetched them from the dressing room from time to time. Exciting times! It was actually really cool. Because I wouldn't have gone otherwise, but it meant that I got to see the performances. And I got to look pretty.

AND DRANK. I Drank too. It was rad. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay and party with T-Bag. But I knew better. Although, didn't make it home until 2."OH BOY"*(that's a goodun, but not quite as amazing as the "GRANNY P" one I got in the last packet.)"BE MINE"* I love their slight fizzyness.

Work is super quiet right now. It was busy first thing in the morning, but it reeeeeeeally slowed down after 9. I've only taken 30 calls in the last 3 hours. That's not very many. Lucky I've had other things to entertain me...Is that sex I can smell? Hmmm. I think I'm just imagining it. And it would be sex, just his smell. Nom his smell. "GROW UP"*"WOW* And that's the end of the packet. And the end of todays blog. In case you didn't guess, everything with an asterix is what the candy said. GUM!

Monday Afternoon.

I have nothing to do.

I'm at work, but filled with boredom. Also crampyness. But not the angry. Which is suprising. Probably helps that I'm not dealing with people on phones. Day two of non smoking and bleeding just started. I think it's the way to go. I don't know that it is. But last time I stopped properly for that whoooooole month, I got my period that week too.

Oh. Look. I have things I should be doing. I'm shutting all my internet windows and I'm going to deal to them now. And pee. Yes. THis has been a great blog.

Oh, erotic blog update: Seriously thinking about doing it. If I get adsense google something or other on it, then I can get money if people click on ads. Opinions? Would you click things for me?

I want

An animal hat.

Oh wait.

I already own one.

A pandaclava.




I want another.

I have grown up parties.

Gosh.

DICKSLAP!

I'm exciting.

I've been craaaaaaaazy this weekend. LOLOLOL not at all. I've been doin nothin. Nothin but cleaning. Cleanin my house. Eatin some things. Trying to remember what I did on Friday...wait. I played the Game of Life. It didn't go very well.

I started by going to college(yes, I'm talking about the game), I graduated as a doctor, sweeeeet, and then, I had twins, I didn't land on pay day for ages, people kept suing me, bought myself a shitty motor home(it was all I could afford), and thwen I lost my job, and I became a pro athlete, which paid okay, but you know, the lifestyle, it takes it's toll on the bank account. Especially when people keep suing you all the time and you need to buy your expensive luxury vehicles and life just keeps on shitting in your lap. I tried to drive my foreign sports car(I couldn't afford it, but you know, the lifestyle, living outside my means, yeah! Whoooo!) with my husband and twin boys off a cliff. I wasn't allowed to apparently. I may have become quite sulky around this period of the game, and, admittedly, a little angry. That's what happens when you're a doctor who loses their liscence because they're running a meth lab out of their motor home and then turns pro athlete but continues to abuse prescription medication and uses steroids. The roids make you angry. And shrink your junk. I don't have any junk to shrink though so it's okay.

Yesterday I cleaned my hovel. I spent a lot of time putting it off. Because I didn't want to clean. I was annoyed also because the weather was shit and it was my one day off and I wanted to crank through my washing. I washed my sheets. That was as far as I got. With my washing that is. I mopped the floors to perfection. PERFECTION! Honestly, I moved shit around(fridge, oven) and cleaned under them and they were horrific before I came along, and I cleaned all down the side of the oven and then fridge and you could see it sparkle and it was beautiful . So amazing. The landlord said our kitchen was messy. WHAT? WHERE?! I HATE YOU LANDLORD! YOU CAN SUCK MY BIG JUICY BALLS. Yeah. That's exactly how I feel about it.

So, I'm working today. In the call centre. It is Sunday after all. I can't even get onto the 6th floor right now. It being the weekend and all. I wish I could get on the 6th floor. My poor apple. It must be lonely. I want to eat it. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM I love you my apple princess. I wish I was drunk. All I've drunk this weekend is 2 beers. That's it. Making a stab at the stopping smoking again. Crap. I just want to keep doing it, but I don't at the same time. It's so frustrating. Ah addiction. I feel stink scabbing either way. Need to sort it.

I just feel like saying things, and then reiterating it in CAPS. See? SEE?! I feel like it really makes a statement.

GUESS WHO GOT LAID ON FRIDAY?! Yeah, that's right, it was me. I can't talk about it in depth now though. Because that would be inappropriate for the work place. I'm thinking about starting an erotic blog. I really think I might. I don't even need to have real experiences to write about, because my imagination is filthy enough to write hundreds of blogs. They might become repetitive. I'll try not to let them get that way. Also, I already have so many things to write about. Do you think emotional analysis would be okay in it? Like, "he looked troubled, something was clearly bothering him as he..." Is that okay? IS IT?! I don't know. But I think it's necessary. So necessary. And yes, that is a reference to Fridays sex. So troubled. I will have words. I need to. Mostly just cos. I think...I don't know. I need to pee. I probably should post this before I go due to the people in the room presently.

Just so you know, things are getting better. I still have bad days, but they're getting better. Much better.

Looking Up

So

I started my new job last week. I think it's going better. I still don't have any work to do. I'm passing the time though. Still get to see himself too which is good. Maybe not as frequently as I would like, but still, I get to see him. We had coffee this morning. I paid. Don't want him to think I'm just using him....hahahaha nah, I just think I should pay sometimes. Because I'm a lady for equality, and that means buying him a coffee every now and then. It's not like he hasn't bought me copious amounts of coffee and some lunch...

The new job, checking timetables. It's boring as hell. I think I would often rather be in the call centre. It's kinda nice having my own space though. Well, it was a whole room to myself for a while, but now I share it with 2 other ladies. One is a lovely gay roughly the same age as myself, the other is a from South Africa, but is Indian, and is new to the company. She's nice. She asks me a lot of questions. I don't really know all the answers but I pretend I do all the same...Hahaha nah, I'm quite open about things when I don't know how to do them. Or when things mysteriously don't work. I have my own phone line though. Oooooooh yeah! 830 4289. I also have an internal extension number, but none of you need that in any way shape or form. (it's actually the last 4 digits).I think that may be the most exciting part so far. The woman who trained me(and is still training me a bit I guess) is fairly incompetent when it comes to teaching. I'm sure she can do it, she's just crap at teaching it. And I don't really like her. She's a bit shit. And gigantic. Hahahaha. Not actually gigantic, she's just a tall lady. Like an Amazon. A pear shaped body also. Love my hourglass.

I turned 25 on Wednesday. I contemplated having a quarter life crisis. I think it passed. Which is good. Because in the past year I have actually achieved a WHOLE bunch of things. I may have been single the entire time, but that's way better than the year before in which I was unemployed for the entire duration. Now that was depressing. But now, I dunno, I think I'm doing good. I'm fitter now, than I can ever remember being, which is awesome. I'm gonna get me some sweet ab definition by New Years. And, I have a job which pays...fairly decently considering how little education I've had, and the fact that it is a relatively unskilled job. And I even get shifted around in the building because of my super awesome powers. I feel like my skills are being under-utilised, but still being recognised. Which is something at least. And the only form of sexual harassment is welcomed. And there's talk of promotion, which is awesome, even if the pay rate doesn't increase that much, it will look really good on my CV. And that's what I'm kind of about presently. Preparing for the future. Whatever it may hold. Because I can either let life pass me by, or try and make the most of it. And I'm ready to make the most of it.

Ooooh, what else have I done in the past year...I got a sugar daddy, and got rid of him. I went to Japan, without any language abilities. I survived, I think it made me stronger. I think as long as you learn and grown from experiences nothing is wasted. I realised last night, that...shit. B* . I realised he has a few common attributes with Daniel, but without the negative ones. Makes sense. Pretty much, everything that Daniel wanted to do was just a pipe dream, and was very rarely going to pan out. B* decides he wants to do something, and he works for it, and makes it happen. What else has happened...ummmm. I think I've been sacking up and taking charge of things a bit more. Which has been hard work. But I know it has to happen. Things aren't going to happen unless I make them happen. I'm trying to figure out whether I should text James and be like "oi. I wanna hang out with you tonight" or not. I wouldn't use those words. You see, I can't be bothered doing anything tonight. There's fireworks, but I know they always make me disappointed, and after going to Japan and watching an hour long display, I'm pretty sure only fireworks I let off at home which have some sort of danger element can really compete. I NEED DANGER!

I've really lost momentum. Lunch really took it out of me. I think I got too distracted by other things. I wanted to buy a corset at lunch, because I saw some in the farmers(I know, I know) catalogue, and they looked kinda rad. They didn't have my size. I want a proper corset. I saw some at im, well, in their catalogue(underwear porn to the max), and nom nomnomnomnom SO PRETTY but also very expensive. Like, hundreds of dollars. More than 5 hundreds of dollars. I can't justify that. It's half my savings. Sure, they're beautiful, but that's just too much. And what if my boobs suddenly get bigger/smaller or....or....I don't know. Either way, as sad as it makes me to say.

Okay, just asked if I can steal some of his time this weekend. I'm attempting becoming a tiny bit more aggressive, but in a non threatening way, just in more of a...I know what I want and I'm going to get it. That sounded aggressive. I'm just working on taking charge of stuff. I really want to spank him. I'm going to.

2 years

That's how long I've been back in Wellington as of Saturday. Whoa. It's gone pretty quickly. And my how things have changed. Holy shit. I mean, I got back, I was on a super slampage. And boozing/smoking it up all the time. All the time. And now, I'm feeling like a grown up. Like I should be acting responsibly. And I am. Mostly. I've grown up a lot. And I want to do grown up things too. Like buy a house and a dog and have babies and make plans for the future that aren't just sweet parties I'm going to go to.



Oooh, I have Hummingbird(the database everything has to be saved onto at work) training in 15 minutes. So that I'll be able to save the timetables I'll be proofing. I'm kind of apprehensive about shifting downstairs. I'm worried I'm going to be really bored. Or screw stuff up. I don't have much faith in my ability. I should. I had my R&R yesterday, and effectively got told that I'm awesome, and that if I want to apply for the assistant role, I should, and that he would put in a good word for me. And not because of any extra curicular reasons either. And that if I want, he'll say good things about me when he leaves also. Which is quite exciting. And shows that even if I don't, other people have faith in my ability. And I'm going to be put...

Okay, didn't save the end of that yesterday apparently. So, I'm going to go on some course. A first aid one, a time management one, an assertiveness course(LOLOLOLOLOL I'm actually really looking forward to it because it's something I really need to work on) - I wonder if he's trying to give me a hint as to the fact that he wants me to be more assertive when it comes to banging. Probably. I need to figure out what I want before I can ask for it.

I've re-stopped smoking. I keep stopping and starting. I'm not doing very well this time round. I haven't smoked at work since I stopped in August. And mostly when I smoke now, I just have a couple at night, or recently, I've been buying 20's in the weekend. Psh. I know I can do it. I just don't have the iron will I had last time. I guess the motivation factor that I had last time isn't really an issue. Mostly because he doesn't know that I'm smoking. LOL. AHAHAHAHa. I crack me up.

I have another 30 minutes of work left. It's dragging today. Posting. 10 minutes to go. Yes. I wrote nothing for 20 minutes.

Tantrum City

Hey yo.

My body. It has a tantrum. Every day. There's a new tantrum waiting around the corner. I swear I don't deserve this. And I'm almost certain the stress of each bodily tantrum turns into the next one. It's a bit lame. I'm quite over it. I've started my clean living again though.

Yesterday was day one of not smoking. Again. I don't quite have the same motivation as last time. Which is a bit shit. But that's okay. I can do this. It's better for me. My lungs are happier. I can be a functional human being. And I'm not going to beat myself up if I have the odd ciggie here and there. Actually. The not smoking probably explains why I've been a bit...restless. Yesterday was the longest, most boring day ever. And today. Well, I feel a bit fidgety. And quite energised. Like I should go for a run around the block or soemthing. But I know that would just make my rashyness red. And I try not to go for that look when copious amounts of people will see.

And I screwed things up with himself today. Again. I sent him a text saying "sometimes I wonder how much of what you say is just talk, and how much of it you actually mean". I don't think this is an unfair statement. Because he does say a lot of things and not follow through. Don't say you want to have sex with me and make me wait 3 months. So, he sends one back, and say's "Ignore me then. Someone got out of the bed on the wrong side today". Sheesh. I didn't say I didn't want to talk to you. Was my first text out of line? I really didn't think it was. And it's not like I haven't lived through being told lies at every corner. Daniel was full of shit. The whole time. I had to go along with his lies constantly, and I was forever getting in trouble for telling the truth and forgetting I was supposed to be story telling too. There were too many lies for me to keep up with, and I'm well aware he was often just telling me things to try and keep me happy, without meaning to follow through with any of it. I just want to protect myself from the mistakes of my past.

So, I sent him a reply. Or three. Saying I was sorry. And that I didn't mean to offend him. And that I don't want to ignore him because I'm actually rather fond of him. Yes. I told him that I was fond of him. I know. Shoot me. I'm just going to get hurt. I don't know that being aware of this is such a good thing. I mean, I know it's going to happen, but it's kinda like seeing a car hurtling towards you and being unable to move because you're wearing cement boots. Can't do shit about it and you know it's going to hurt. It sucks balls. Oh shiiiiit. Just realised I've hit the "emotional" stage of not smoking. YUS YUS YUS YUS YUS!

It's only gonna get better. Electricity running through my veins. ELECTRICITY!!!! This was totally worth starting smoking again. Such a good plan. I'm being sarcastic. I don't think sarcasm really translates well into blogs very often. Or more, as my blog is most frequently, a written rant.

I just figured out how to cook quinoa. When I say figured out, I mean, the internets told me. i'M GOING TO MAKE opps. I'm gonna make eggplant, asparagas, spinach, ummmm, mushroom, courgette, pumpkin, kumara and feta with quinoa. Man. That sounds like quite the feast. I should be eating it for daaaaays. And my pee will smell weird for days also. Radical. I think I'll only use half a cup of quinoa. Yes. Because even if Louse comes, that's still gonna be way too much food for 2+lunch tomorrow. Ooooh, should have dinner sorted for after my run tomorrow also this way. That'd be nice. And I'll need a run tomorrow. With all this electricity. And frustration. And....yep. I think those are the main reasons. I'm gonna push myself harder this week than I did last week. I'm gonna aim for 3 laps running without stopping. Tom said he thought I could do 5. I think he's probably right. I'm feeling relatively fit presently. I haven't really smoked any greens since Saturday either. Well, I had 2 lil spots on Sunday afternoon, but I wasn't high for ages like I normally would be. Today is day 3 of no buds. I'm gonna start saving heaps of money. But also spending it on tasty, delicious things to eat. Because I can. And healthy things are more expensive than shit things most of the time.

I should go for a break. Maybe I'll wait for someone to get back from theirs. And then I can walk around the block. Cos damn I need to. So badly. I need to.

DONE!

Fatally bored.

I'M SO BORED.

I don't have things to look at on the internets. Its pretty shithouse. I'm so bored. Too bored to even type correctly anymore. Blah blah blah things and stuff.

You know what's super lame? Rash attack. Mystery freakin rash attack. IT'S NOT FAIR. So, in order to attempt to overthrow the rash attack, I'm drinking water. Lots of water. I've drunk damn close to 2 litres already. It's only 1:05 pm. I've been at work since 8:30am. I'm here until 6pm. It's a long day. A long, rashy day. Awesome. And then after work, I'm going to watch Outrageous with my lady friends. Which is awesome. I need my time with my ladies. Wait. All my friends are ladies. Or brothers. Brothers may as well be ladies. Except I try not to share as much information with them. Well, with Matty. I try and sensor things. I feel like he's been rather desenstised over time though.

I'm hungry. Probably because my stomach is filled with water. WATER. Waterful water. Wonderful waterful waster. I feel hyperactive. Even though I haven't had any sugar. Mostly just water. I'm posting this now. Because I'm going to go and have lunch. Because I need something in my stomach other than water. Maybe some fruit. I thin kI need something more solid than just fruit. Maybe...almonds. And...yeah, that's all I got. I'll see if I can come up with anything better when I'm at the supermarket.


Sweet.

Rollercoaster

I'm up and I'm down.

Who knows where I'm going? I don't. I do know that I'm going for a run this afternoon. And that I'm quite aroused. When I say quite, I mean, I want to have sex right now. Rampant sex. With the man across the room. It's only 9:15 but we've been sending dirty texts for the past hour. It's hot. And yes, I'm aware I've been a bit like whatevs, he's a dick, but I'm perfectly entitled to change my mind whenever I want. Because that, my friends, is what I want to do, and shall continue to do, until I see fit. I'm a fickle lady, and I'm easily bought. With sexual favours.

Nah, in all honesty, was quite down last night. From the moment I left work all I wanted to do was cry. I'm not entirely sure why. I just know the urge to cry was pretty strong. So I wasted as much time as I could in Real Groove, and eventually went home, almost 2 hours after I'd finished work. I texted him on the way home. Because I hate how much time I have to think. And I told him that. And kinda just got onto general mental health stuff. And it was good. He was being supportive and sympathetic. And I appreciated it. Because I got to offload. And I said sorry for doing so, and he just said Don't be. And that was really rather helpful for me. I did cry. Because I came to the painful realisation that I hate going home because I know I'm going to be alone. And I'm SO OVER BEING ALONE.

Yep. So. That's my general shizzle at the moment.

Why is it, that every time I eat an apple, I get juice on my tits. Like, actually. Okay. Not EVERY time, but at least the last 2 times. And it doesn't matter what I'm wearing, the flavour catchers work their charm. Fucking flavour catchers. I love em though. Especially when I walk places, and I look down, and they're just doin their own thing, bouncing along, bouncing together, bouncing apart, jiggle jiggle jiggle. Titties. Love them. Hours of entertainment.

I'm posting now. I can't be bothered writing anymore. I've been given "additional" work to do. That made it sound WAY more exciting than what it is, because in reality, it's just responding to an email about fares. I should probably call the reference person for the potential employee too. I'm kinda stoked that I'm getting so many things to do. I feel like my smarts are being put to use, which is nice. Like I'm not wasting ALL my potential.

RIGHT! POSTING!

That's what I thought.

You were being a jerk so I wouldn't like you. No, you're just a jerk.



I'm all, uncertain about things. And yes, I am going to talk about boys again. Because they dominate my mind. I can't help it. It's how it's wired. My brain that is. The animal instinct to breed is SO strong in me. Just in case you hadn't noticed. Sex is awesome, but it's just my body wanting to have baaaaaabies. Millions of babies. "Breed""DO IT!" That's what my hormones are telling me. I've been trying to supress the urges, but damn, they're hard to ignore. SO HARD.



Fuck. So now we all know I want babies, even though I REALLY don't right now, but at the same time I really do. But not enough to actually do it, because fuck having a baby without a baby daddy to do half the work. Or someone to do shit for me when I'm too preggers to do it myself. So, unless I have someone to support me, I have no intention of popping out any babies. I seriously think I'll have kids by the time I'm 28 though. I feel it in my ute.



Bitchface arsemonkey. I do swear a lot. I should get on top of that. Yeah. I should. I'll try. It's hard when you mostly hang out with the unemployed and trades people.



I feel like getting drunk. I feel destructive. Maybe it's just...no, I forgot. It's way harder to blog when you get calls. I'm feeling just a general urge to get fucked up. Perhaps to ignore my general pining for the long term company of the opposite sex. And to ignore the fact that I want someone who is highly unattainable and is only going to make me miserable if I continue like this. Yes, I am fully aware of my present situation and the pitfalls I'm dancing around. Does that mae sense? I'm not sure it does but I know what I mean and that's the most important thing as far as I'm concerned. I'm fully aware of everything I'm doing wrong. And when I want to, I will make it all better. Somehow. I'll work this shit out. I feel like crying. I think it's sleep deprivation. I haven't been getting much of the sweet sweet sleep. Mostly because I'm doing freaking early shifts and I can't seem to get to bed early enough. Probably because on Mondya night I had pole, and then last night I watched Outrageous at Lynne's and then walked home. With a posse. It was kinda awesome because it made the journey take way less time. I mean, it was still just as long, it just seemed shorter because I wasn't left with my own thoughts for half an hour.



Oh man. Now he's texting me about how he wants to have anal, and that I have a "beautiful bottom". He's so confusing. KRISTINE! I hope you read that with your accent because that would be awesome. SO awesome. I'm going to make you say it for me when you're back. What am I sposed to...I dunno. He's one hell of a confusing man. I can see why there are women with pitch forks all over this building waiting for him to walk around the corner. I really can.

Blog when it's bad

I realised that's normally what I do. Because I want to have a ranty time.

Things are pretty good at the moment though. I can't really complain. I'd still like a boyfriend, but meh, that's non crucial to my happyness, more of like...a booster pack. Because I get a bit lonely sometimes. At night. When I'm rattling round my house on my own. It'd be nice to have soemone to spoon sometimes. I don't think I'm going to find it in any of the places I've been looking. Unless his apparent dislike/disintrest in anything relationshipy is just a front. I don't think it is. Or maybe it is. I don't know. He's a complicated man. He said the other day that he was struggling to fight off the urge to reproduce. Fucking tell me about it. A baby. fUCK yeah. I could totally go for one of those. Bleeding helped make me want one a little less, but I still want one. Even though babies terrify me. What are you sposed to do with them? You've gotta be gentle right? I think that's why dogs are all good. Because I can be rough with them, and they love it.

I deviated from what I was talking about. I expect that to happen. It is me after all. I'm all about the deviation. I need a coffee. Fuck I need a coffee. I've been up since 5ish. YUS! COFFEE!

So, last night. I had Pole Fitness. Yeah. I was pole dancin. It was good. I finally found out and retained what my teachers name is. Serene. I don't know if that's how she spells it. But that's what it is. She wasn't taking us though. It was a new woman from the UK who was really good, and she was really nice, but I felt like she was targeting it towards the other ladies who've been doing it for longer and Georgina and I and we kinda just got left in the background a bit because she was teaching them complicated stuff that led on from other things they were already quite confident with. I can now, however, pull my legs up onto the pole from standing. Like, pull them up above my head, wrap them on the pole, and then slowly slide down to the ground. I need to work on desensitising my inner thighs. Damn. Painful shit. Like, ow. I really want to find a pole in a playground and do some sweet spinning around on it. Because then I don't have to climb to the top first. I might actually start going on Saturday mornings because I think it would be pretty good for me, and I could build my strength and maybe work and getting those thighs a lil more numb. I CAN DO IT!

I got sunburnt on Sunday. That was a bit shit. No one likes burny boobs. Or the "I'm wearing a white singlet" when you're naked thing and you cover your nips. That's what it looks like. I have a torso of stunning white and a cleavage of ravishing red. I was rocking good cleavage that day too(had coffee with the man but actually it was ice cream which is way more awesomer) and the evidence is in the burn pattern.

Damn I wanna bone him. Hahahaha bone. It's funny. But I do. The urge to do so is always hightened by boredom. And today, I am SO bored. The phones are pretty quiet. I'm taking maybe 30 calls an hour. That's not many. Yesterday I was taking closer to 50 for most of the day. I WANT TO CAUSE MISCHIEF. MISCHIEVIOUS MISCHIEF. YES PLEASE. CAPPITY CAP CAP CAP. Eat my testicles. They taste good. Proteinous. Full of nutrients. Nom nom nom nom nom. You love it. I'm bored. I had a large flat white also. So I'm bored and full of energy but I can't really run around the office making noise because I think I would probably get in trouble. YES. Even with my special get out of shit powers, I think I would still get told off and be made to sit quietly like a good girl. And then I'll just blog some more.

My typing. Sheesh. You're lucky I'm actually looking at the words as they appear on the screen otherwise this would be illegible. The number of typos. oooooooooh, sirens.

Whoop Whoop. He left the office. Now I have nothing exciting to look at. Lame. I might go for lunch in 5 minutes because I'm feeling RATHER peckish. Maybe I could eat in civic square. That would be nice. I'm gonna have sushi. I know I'll be disappointed but I may as well let go of the dream of having excellent sushi.

It was okay sushi. It didn't kill me. That's the main thing I think. I also ate a pork bun. It was mildly disappointing. Not too badly though. I mean, I still enjoyed it, but it had way more potential awesome powers than it lived up to. Okay. I'm bored of writing shit. I have nothing more of any importance to say. Or do I? Was I ever saying anything? Important. Nothing important. I'm so bored. But blogging is stopping me from staring blankly into space. BORED!

DGKLN:SD GHWSRGLJ NGNSBGJ SEIU FGKJSEGSKJDNF

I should be sleeping.

But I'm not. I'm at work. Blogging. With cramps. I have cramps. I feel like general not so awesome to be perfectly honest. And I really want to sleep. Maybe I'll get in a nap before people turn up tonight. If the party at my house is still happening. I'm unsure if it is or it isn't, I'm just assuming that it is. And I better not get asked to do cleaning before the party because I need a nap or I'm gonna be a super cranky PMS monster and I don't think I have a costume for that but I'm sure I can improvise. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE CRANKY POWERS.

I really like writing things in caps. It makes them look so much more serious. Like, take me seriously or I'll beat you up. Yeah, I'm totes on the rag. I'm not normally this aggressive. I'm sure I'm not. Maybe I am in my blog...I don't know.

So, Thursday, he still wants me. I think he's torn about this fact. Because he wants me, but he doesn't trust me. Because I said something(fuck knows what) and F told him that I said something. I have no idea what it is that I said. But now I'm being treated by her like I'm a spy, and cool, I totally was being a spy, but she doesn't need to make digs at "no one in particular" a la moi.

I know he still wants me, because...he looked at me, and then my legs, and back up at my face, and I smiled at him, and shrugged my shoulders. He then responded with a shoulder shrug also. And then texted me and said "yes I was checking out your legs". I'm going to reclaim my power. I just wanted him so badly, all the time before, and I just wanted him to touch me and want me as much as I wanted him. I knew I was giving him too much power. FUck him for kissing me in the street before I left. That was way too hot. Anyway. I'm not gonna fall over myself trying to get in his pants. I still want in his pants. I can ignore it.

I was going to write something else...I'm gonna think on that one for a bit...maybe urinate, see if I come up with something else. I haven't. I'll write another blog later if it comes to it. I don't think I will, but I could. It's not impossible.

I don't need boys anymore.

I have the only real friend a girl needs. And she's beautiful. SO beautiful. Also, purple. Because that's the only colour they had. But it doesn't matter. She's still beautiful. And perfect. And is never going to make me sad. She's never gonna tell me I look like shit, even when I do, and she's not gonna get annoyed at me when I sleep with other people. She isn't going to tell me that I look beautiful, but she'll make me feel good.

I LOVE HER.

I actually do. I could spend hours with her without even talking and it wouldn't matter. We're just that connected.

But in all seriousness. She's rechargable, has 8 modes, and a multitude of speeds ranging from gentle to OMG THE INTENSITY LEVELS ARE OFF THE HOOK.

I was thinking about it last night, and if like, someone fucked me up the arse I could use it at the same time and the vibrating would blow their minds out of the fucking water. Yes, that's right, I was maturbating and thinking about anal. I...don't know who I am anymore. I just think a guy would love it more than is humanly possible to describe.

Okay. Now that I've talked about nothing but sex(with myself), and I'm hungry. Time to walk around the block for a bit.

An angry face?

I feel like I deserve to be wearing one.

Stop being a dick and ignoring me. Like actually, how old are you? Too old to be pulling this shit. That's how old. I don't even know the last time I gave someone the silent treatment. Especially not for days. DAYS! STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG AND JUST TALK TO ME. ASK ME SOME MENIAL SHIT. I DON'T CARE. JUST STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING EGG.

That's okay. I'm wearing my "Who's That?" t-shirt today, and I really want someone to ask me what it says, so I can use a bitch voice and say it.

Okay, just spoke a TINY bit. And only cos I know shit. It's just dumb. DUMB.

Yes, I'm in a capsy mood today. BUT GUESS WHAT??????!!!! TODAY! I GET! A VIBRATOR! It's going to love me forever too. Unconditionally. Okay, as long as it has batteries. I should buy a box. I think I'm going to just end up spending a whole bunch of time masturbating. Like heaps. I can tell. I'll start going to bed at 8:30 just so I can spend a while masturbating before falling asleep exhausted. Should I stop talking about wanking? Maybe yes. Would you like that? Wait, you were enjoying this weren't you. Getting all randy. Hot and bothered, imagining me playing with myself. Okay okay, I'll stop. I know you aren't really enjoying it that much. Maybe a little, but you could never admit it.

Okay. He talked to me a little more, but only when involving the entire office almost. But he was making definite eye contact. Positive steps. I'm not gonna make anything happen though. If it happens it happens. I'm not counting on shit though. Hence, VIBRATOR PARTY IN MY PANTS!!!!! I'm just so excited. I haven't owned a functional sex toy in over a year. I used to hide out and wank when I was getting depressed. Now I just wank whenever. I don't discriminate.

Oh. This has turned into a blog about wanking. Terrible. I'm not gonna say sorry though, because you should have known that I'm prone to doing things like this.

I thought I cared

But maybe I don't.



Am I actually that fickle? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just not going to tolerate being left in the background, struggling to get some attention. Maybe that's what I've decided. That I shouldn't have to try this hard. Yep. I'm too good for that much effort to be wasted on one person who only wants me once in a blue moon. I want more attention than that.

All I can say, is don't kiss me on the street if you don't want me to think that maybe, there might be a possibility of something more. I think that's a good rule to have. A really, really good rule. Especially if you don't want to confuse someone. Especially someone who is a mildly vulnerable emotional position. Because they're really anxious about flying out of the country. Just don't do it, because hopes will be raised, and then they'll spend their whooooole holiday, thinking maybe they've got a chance when they get back, when really, no, they don't.

It's okay. I'm quite happy to continue a casual thing, but he's going to have to actually try, because I'm not going to. As much as I want him, I'm just going to sit back and wait. And if nothing else happens? Well, that's okay. Whatever. Done with caring.

I still want to date someone. I have a whole bunch of affection that's just swishing round inside me. I can't get a dog until I've done my South America thing. So not until the start of 2012. At least. That gives me a little over a year and a half of limitless affection with no outlet. Yep. And I'm bored of being alone. Not that I'm really lonely, but I just. Uh. I think I'm going to work on more attainable crushes. Not in a lowering of standards kind of way. But in a, not almost impossible to make work kind of way. Yep.

Speaking of goals, really need to start learning how to drive. Really need to get a new card. Right. It just became tomorrows lunchtime mission. Because having a sense of achievement is good, and it motivates me to do more.

What's also good, is getting laid. Which I did. On Saturday night. He was maybe a little bit on the young side of things. Not actually too young, just younger than my usual age bracket allows. He's 3 years(and 3 days) younger than me. I'm friends with him on facebook. That's how I was so specific about the age gap just then. But. It totally didn't matter. Because he still knew what he was doing. And that's the only reason why I put that rule in place. Because I was sick of young guys not know what they're doing. SO not a problem. Even went down on me straight away, and quite frankly, doesn't get more gentlemanly than that.

Funny thing is, bartender at Caverns younger brother. I was told yesterday that I should try and sleep with all the staff there. I reckon I could almost do it. I don't know that I should be becoming the Cavern slut though. The one with the longterm girlfriend might be a slight problem. Probably the main one I'd like to sleep with. That's okay. I could sleep with the older brother. LOLOLOLOLOL! I don't think I've ever slept with brothers. Together or seperately.

TA was there with his new girlfriend. He really isn't TA anymore, but I can't be bothered giving him a different name. I made accidental bitch face when talking about her the next day. I think it was more of a bitchface at Rugrats to be fair. Because she seemed nice enough, and I still feel good about the fact that I ditched him because he wouldn't have started his thing with her if I was still around. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I'm just really, not attracted.

I really like tall guys though. I also really want a piggyback. Yeah. That would be rad. Tall and muscular. But not retardedly muscular. Because that's yuck. Put your veins away, they're freaking me out. YUCK! VEINS! EW! Not ewe. Ew.

I have pole dancing tonight. I hope I do. I forgot to email them until today but I'm assuming that it'll be fine. She'll be right. It's the kiwi way. I'm really looking forward to it though. I need to do some decent exercise. Although, did walk most of the way to work today. It keeps raining on me when I'm walking to work. It's a bit shit. I'm looking forward to summer and its more agreeable weather.

I'm going to return to working properly. I've always been working properly. THE WHOLE DAY. Stink. I really liked sneaking off and having sexy times. Ah well. It might still happen. I'm just not feeling overly optimistic. Who knows. Tomorrow I may have changed my tune completely. We'll see!

I want to talk to him but I don't know if I can.

It's like there's a force field stopping me.



There are so many things I want to say but I'm holding myself back. I don't think he feels the same. But how would I know? You don't know unless you ask. I'll get there. Give me a week and some decent sleep. I was going to ask today. I couldn't find the words. It's scary. Life is scary. You don't gain anything without taking a risk. I feel like...there's added risk. Because of the circumstances surrounding it. I think he's annoyed at me. I should be annoyed at him. Sheesh.



I'm starved of intimacy. I crave physical contact. I think I'm hitting a bit of a low. Maybe it's just sleep deprivation. I don't know. Do you? Can you offer some insight into my mind?



I feel a wave of self destruction. Maybe a tsunami. I'm feeling self concious and uncertain.



It's not all bad though.



Today, I was asked if I wanted to work on level 6 in marketing for a couple of months. I'm not sure when I'll be starting. I figure it'll be good on my cv. A little career development never did anyone harm. Or maybe it did. But I think this should be good for me. I was going to ask then how he felt. While we were talking about my future opportunities. He was checking me out and I felt confident about where I stood. But now, I'm not so sure.



It's havoc on the roads tonight. Multiple car crashes, pretty much everywhere. I'm cranking.

HOLY CRAP!

I leave the country in 45 hours. I didn't sleep very much last night because I was so anxious. I think I'll take a lorazepam tonight. Because I really need to have a decent sleep before I leave Wellington. I'm at work. I feel like vomiting. I'm still very anxious. I haven't had enough sleep to deal with my anxiety in a constructive way either. I know I'll be fine. I know I will. I can't shake the feeling of impending doom though. Maybe it was better when I had the sexual frustration to focus on. It's much easier to go to sleep thinking about banging someone than thinking about how you're going to a huge city where you know nobody and can't speak the language.

Wait. I think I just may have found a way to make myself feel better. It kinda works. I'm not going to go into specifics. But I THINK, it might just work enough to get my through today without puking on someone. Which is awesome. Because nobody likes to be vomited on. Unless they have a weird fetish for it. I don't know what it's called, and I think it sounds way worse than being urinated on, and possibly on par with being shat on...no, vomit isn't as bad as poo. Poo would cause vomit. Anyway, people with vomiting fetishes are weird and sick. But, I don't think I will be unwittingly fulfilling anyone's fantasies about such things today. With my new coping mechanism. It will all be okay. OKAY!

Wait, I still feel nauseous. Still taking a lorazepam before bed tonight. OH GOD. Work should be busier. So that I'm not so time rich while unable to do the things I really need to get done. Like call WINZ and check that they will in fact let me out of the country. And...see Meg. And try to find out where my rail pass is at. And do some washing. And pack my bag(I started last night). And buy some shoes so that I have options other than high chucks or heels whilst in Japan. Aaaaaaand...buy salt and vinegar kettles and some black forst icecream. And Lucas's pawpaw.

I just decided I'm going for a run when I eventually make it home. It might help me relax somewhat. I could be wrong. I think it should help though. Okay. Writing a list. I'm gonna go and have my break. Y'all should hear from me again once I'm ion Japan. Maybe I'll write a crazy sleep deprived one when I get to Narita. Maybe I won't. I might just say things on facebook from time to time and write myself a travel journal instead. YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING!

LOVE YOU XXXXXX

WISH ME LUCK!

She'd never allow this on Facebook

So I'm posting it here. So much love.

It's Raining

But I'm the happiest girl in the world.

There are probably happier people than me right now, but I'm preeeeetty damn happy. Today, even though I might be at work, is rad. I got the best wake up ever "I'm at your door" YUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

And I leave for Japan in a couple of days. I can't even begin to explain the anxiety I was feeling last night, but I'm doing good now. It'll all be okay. I'm going to print maps of how to get to my hotel to make me feel more secure. I figure if I have all the information ready for me, I'll be okay. I will have done all I can to prepare myself. And I can do no more. And if bad things are going to happen, I can't do anything to stop them. But they probably won't, and I shouldn't work myself into an unable to eat anything anxiety because there's nothing I can do either way. I really almost vomited last night. Such a good sign.

I love Sir Mix A-Lot. He's so awesome.

It's deathly quiet in the office today. So quiet. There's only 5 of us. I realise I should have written the word five then, but I couldn't be bothered.

I'm so dry today. This blog was supposed to be short. I'm going to finish now. Lets just say, life is good. So good. I'm happy. I'm going to put photos on the computer. YES!

Fancy Seeing You Here

Oh Hai!

So, I haven't written anything in a while. I'm not even entirely sure what I last blogged about. Probably angry things. I was very angry. I think I'm past the angry now. There's still a bit stashed away, but it's much more healthy. I'm not more healthy though. Which is a shame. I have a cold. I hope it has exited the building by the time I fly out of this country. IN 6 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG! HOLY SHIT! I"M FREAKLKOIN OUT! I can't speak Japanese. I'm going to spend my entire day at work on Sunday, when not looking across the room flirtatiously, printing out oodles of things like maps, and hotel details, and...anything else that I think of. I'm sure there are other things I want to print. I'm totes allowed to print stuff here too.

I just worked out how many yen I should have. Roughly 230,000. Thats almost quarter of a million. It sounds like I'm rich. I know I'm not. Well, actually, I kind of am. Compared to how much money I had this time last year, I'm loaded. I actually quite like looking back at my life this time last year, and comparing it to where I am now. This time last year, shit was rough. I mean, at the start of September, rather than Flying off to Japan, I was having my email and facebook accounts hacked and having a topless photo of myself being sent out to every one of my contacts. That was rad. And then a week after that, which this year, I will still be in Japan, having an awesome time with an awesome lady, I was dumped by a guy that I had fallen for in a huge way. Thanks Dan. Thank you all Dans.



Okay. I just went on my lunch/mission break. I've paid for my rail pass. On credit card. I LOVE YOU CREDIT CARD. I didn't have to. I could have paid with cash. I figure, if I pay with credit, I can transfer my pay next week when it comes through, cos I'll be in Japan, and then I'll be at least back to 0 balance, if not slightly in credit. And I'm getting holiday pay for the duration of my journey, which is rad, especially considering I only have maybe 4 days worth of holiday pay accrued. I'M SO EXCITED! i TRIED TO BUY MY HUNDREDS oh shit caps, of thousands of yen, but no one was carrying. I'll have to go to travelex. I might just go to the one in Auckland on my way out of the country because it's not like I'll have anything better to do to fill my time while waiting to leave the country.

My brow is currently furrowed. FURROWED. I just enjoy caps. Don't tell me you just vomited your meal and not offer explanation as to why. Oh wait, oh nup. I asked if he was okay, I got a "Yep. Strange." Reply, which doesn't actually...oh wait, okay. He said he'll be okay. Probably just stress related. Cool. I understand this whole stress/anxiety related puking thing. Kinda links back to an early paragraph. THE DANS PARAGRAPH. Because as I'm sure you all remember, there was a lot of puking in the month of September. And probably October too. I don't remember October all that well though. I can't think of anything in particular that happened that would help me to differentiate it from the rest of the year. Okay. Probably shouldn't put such large mouthfuls of cookie in mah mouth when I'm on the phones. I wasn't talking when Iput it in my mouth, but then the phone rang, and well, I had a mouth full of cookie so I couldn't answer, and then by the time I was almost ready they hung up. A lot of people call because their bus is a couple of minutes late, and then while they're waiting for their call to be picked up the bus arrives.

This blog is actually just a stream of thought. I'm...I was going to appologise. I then realised, no, the stream of thought blogging technique is probably at least 70% of my blogs charm. If it doesn't have that, what does it have? Probably nothing. Angry rants. Nothing and angry rants. I realise angry rants cancel out the nothing aspect of my blog, but you get the idea. I'm not even on drugs anymore. Well, I still have drugs sometimes. Because they're awesome. But, I've certainly cut down from my daily consumption to maybe once, twice a week. I think that's a healthy level. My lungs don't like spots very much anymore though. They also fuck me up real good. I had 2 on Sunday night, and I was maaaaashed.

Just so you know, this blog has taken many hours. I still haven't been to the dentist. I probably should have. I'll go when I get back. Yup. Procrastination man. Sheesh. It's a problem I have. I think a time management course sounds rather magical. Perhaps I'll get a better hold of my life. When I get home tonight, I'm going to make some delicious vegetable something. Maybe some couscous. Cos that shit's mint. And I have heaps of mushrooms and....zuchinnis. And spinach. And feta. I love feta. I would eat it with spinach and mushrooms every day for the rest of my life quite happily. Maybe not every day cos I'd get bored, but, I think I could eat it for quite some time and be content. But anyway, I'm going to make dinner for tonight, and lunch for tomorrow, and then I'm going to have a shower, and treat my thrush(fucking thrush. Day 3 of treatment. Tonight is the final night. So unpleasant. I don't enjoy the creamy vag).

YUS!!!!! Okay. I'm gonna go and stop rambling and instead have a perv at the reason why I'm working every day up until Tuesday when I leave the city. I need to learn how to say no. I really do. At least I'll have more money. Yeah, I'm working on Saturday. I meant to talk about that before. I didn't. I need to learn. MUST LEARN.

Also, before I leave, I decided on my bus today that I'm going to write a rambling travel journal thing. It will probably be just like this, but on paper instead. I may or may not publish portions of it in the future. Maybe. We'll see. Or I might just keep it to laugh at myself when I get old.

Loves y'all

I'm in trouble

WITH MY FLATMATE.

Gosh darnit. Well, I assume I'm in trouble. I would be suprised if she wasn't at least slightly angry at me.

So, on Saturday, Matty and I were hanging, and it was rad. We were making tasty tasty food, and having a gay old time. She was playing on facebook. On one of her millions of applications. She has a problem. We were just trying to help in the way that has helped both of us many times. By a little bit of friendly shit giving. We didn't expect her to have a spaz, and start crying. I start laughing every time I think about it. Shit was hilarious. I mean, really. "Just shut up okay, it's my only vice and wah wah wah". We stopped. She then had a cigarette with Matty. She's weak. Anyway. So, afterwards she apologised, and I tried to explain that it was just friendly shit giving, because she does have a problem(honestly, she has so many she could spend a whole day on them and still be able to do more shit), and we're just trying to help the way that we know works (I would like to site my physical aggression and inability to say "th"s as success stories for this method). She almost started crying again so I dropped it.

She went out later on(after her bf did his typical jealous thing and I stated that I had "nothing to say on the matter" because I'm sick of hearing the same shit every time, and her not listening to a word I say on the matter). That was fine, she can do whatever she wants, APART from showering at 3am when she gets home. That is NOT cool. I'm real angry about it. Still. And that was 2 days ago. My room is right next to the bathroom. The shower is directly through the wall, next to my head when I sleep. HOW CAN YOU BE SO INCONSIDERATE? And because I got woken up(initially I thought it was just the light going on because the fan is noisy and she can't help that so I wasn't angry), I had to pee, and she was in the bathroom, and I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep until I'd peed, so I popped a squat on the slab outside. And then I went back to bed, and I couldn't get to sleep, because she was in the shower and making heaps of noise, so I sent her a text saying "Thanks for waking me up." I didn't get back to sleep before she sent me a reply saying "Sorry." By this stage I'd spent 20 minutes building some massive rage because I was so frustrated and unable to get back to sleep and couldn't believe how inconsiderate she was being. So in reply to her sorry text, I sent one back saying:
"It would be cool if next time when you get home at 3am you remember that your flatmate who has issues sleeping has work at 10 and her head is right next to the shower"

SHe didn't reply after that. She wasn't home last night. There were more dishes when I got home. SO MANY DISHES. I have flatmate rage. I'm the only motherfucker who does anything anymore.I do realise I'm the only one home a lot of the time, but that doesn't stop them from coming home, creating dishes, and leaving again. Thursday night is a prime example of this. I did all the dishes before anyone got home. Clean slate. Rach was cooking Louse and I dinner, which is nice, thanks for that. And Hans cooked Simone dinner. Cool. How sweet. NEITHER OF THEM CLEANED UP AFTER. Like, couldn't even rinse the dishes. LEAVE THE EMPTY CANS IN THE SINK WITH WATER IN THEM. YOu don't have to soak it. Just rinse it, maybe scrub it a smidge, the foods still fresh, it'll come right off. That way, when I do them, I don't have to wash them all twice because I'm OCD about the cleanliness of my dishes. And it would be nice if there wasn't food sitting on the plates, especially the ones they've piled up in the sink. I'M SO ANGRY!

Okay. That's actually all the angry I have to get out I think. My neck is itchy. It's lame.

Yesterday was actually an AWESOME day. I worked. It was rad. RAD. YES! So good. So so good. Nom nom nom nom nom. No penetration it's true, but I'm preeeeeeeetty content all the same. It actually is only a matter of time. It's just round the corner. Annnnnny day now. I'm real happy with that part. REAL HAPPY. Filled with joy. Over the moon.

I'm gonna go have a cuppa. It's 8:14am. WAY TOO EARLY. Shits real funny.

OVER AND OUT XOXOXOXOXO

A smidge on the ANGRY side.

I'm a bit angry today. Frustrated mostly. SO MUCH FRUSTRATION!

So. I'm in reception. Again. Because there's a divisional meeting(something to do with all the transport staff), and the lady who's normally doing reception(she does a bunch of other stuff so it's okay for her, I just sit here blankly) is at the meeting too. So. Boredom. And angry. Because He made me do reception. He was trying to get me to draw pictures while I'm here. I'm not drawing crap. He wanted me to draw a swan or a chicken or...he started suggesting yaks and bullshit like that. I'm not going to. NOt for someone who spends all their time(not actually but it feels like it) leading me on. I'm so annoyed at him right now. I can't even explain it. It makes me want to angry cry with tears of frustration. Fuck him. Or not. I don't care anymore. I do. But I don't want to. And therefore, I'm going to try and convince myself I don't care. And maybe that will work. Or maybe it won't. At least I'm trying. I WANT TO HAVE SEX SO BAD. I don't want TA sex either. It's nice that he likes me, and he thinks I'm hot, and I'm quite happy just babbling bullshit at him, but I want to have sex with someone hotter. I hope I get my ID back this week. I need to get laid. It's so hard to fight the angry without the sex or the cigarettes.



Speaking of cigarettes. I wish to bad mouth my flatmate for a bit. Because she's driving me insane with her shit. Yesterday, after being at the supermarket, Toula picked me up with Lynne and Alex. This is at like, 4pm. Not an unreasonable time to have friends over on a Sunday afternoon. Or so one would think. Apparently it wasn't acceptable not to warn her first. I don't know what she would have said if I asked anyway. Probably no. This is how the conversation went shortly after I arrived home with 3 of my closest friends.



"It would be nice if you asked first before bringing your friends round when you know that I've got an assignment due the next day"

"Oh(confused), sorry? I didn't think it would be an issue"

"Well, my assignment's due tomorrow and you and your friends are getting high, and I've spent all day cleaning"

"You didn't have to do the cleaning. I could have done it"

"If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done"

"I only have one day off a week. I don't have a lot of time, but I would have gotten there"

"I only have 2 days off and I'm hardly here"

:"You didn't have to do it"

"Just let me know next time okay?"

"Sure."



Don't blame me for your procrastination. Own your own shit. You've been up since 9am, you vacuumed before9:30. On a Sunday. My one day to have a sleep in. IT WAS MY ONLY DAY OFF IN 12 DAYS! I wasn't even home until 3:30am on Sunday. Honestly. You're so inconsiderate it's amazing. I didn't realise that someone could be as hypocritical and inconsiderate. ALL THE TIME! I don't care if you're going through shit. I honestly, don't care anymore. I'm over caring. You know why? Because she doesn't listen to me when I tell her stuff that is true, and helpful. Like about her boyfriend. I'm sorry, he's never going to trust you. Never. If he doesn't now, when you're at the 6 month mark, he NEVER will. I know. I lived this. I spent 6 years hoping that Daniel would trust me. I did everything to try and ensure that there was no reason for him not to trust me. I never did a single thing wrong. And yet, never, ever trusted me. And you're fairytale bullshit dreams? Really? Domestic bliss isn't going to be what it is, if you do happen to make it to the end of the year and still be in a relationship. "We're going to get our own place and it's going to have a bath and a nice(I think that's what she said) kitchen, and he's going to build me a bunny hutch in the back yard" VOMIT. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. I'm really ragey at her presently. If you're still reading, I'm sorry. I hope she never finds this. God. I would get in so much trouble.



I really need to pee. I don't think I'm done ranting. I can't think about anything other than urination presently though. I don't know if I'm allowed to get up from reception. What if someone calls? What if...? I don't know! Okay. I went. It was the best decision I've ever made.



Oh. I'm returning to my rant now. This time, I'm moving to the smoking subject. Why did she decide she was going to quit? Because she hasn't. She's just bludging off others. I ever saw her down at the Assyrian Centre on Saturday night scabbing a smoke off a skeezy as man, that normally she would threaten to kick in the nuts if he so much as looked at her funny. I'm sorry, but if I was doing that, I would just start smoking again. She clearly isn't ready. She was even getting accolades for the fact that she had cut down so dramatically. IT DOESN'T COUNT. Sure, I could have cut down if I was just scabbing smokes off other people rather than manning up and buying a packet. She was supposedly quitting on the same day as me. She hasn't. I have. Still real proud of myself. I was drinking on Saturday night(I'm going to expand on other aspects of this next paragraph) and I got quite drunk, and I REALLY wanted to smoke. I had a puff. A single puff. And that was all. I feel like I've written this already. I don't think I have though...have I? I'm sure I didn't go...wait. Did I blog when I was drunk? I'll check that one...Nope. It's okay. I could have caved and had a whole cigarette. I could have enough just smoked all night. But I didn't. And for that, I reckon I should get a bitchload of credit.

So Saturday drinking. Well. It was me, Hans, Louse,Simonica, and Jack. Jack is a tranz...I can't remember if it's tranz boy or girl. I can never remember which is which. Anyway. He used to be a girl. Is taking testosterone. Still has breasts, not huge ones, but definitely breasts. So. There comes a time in the night, where it suddenly becomes a topless party. I'm wearin a bra, so is S and L(hers was actually a binder) and Jack is completely topless. With breasts. With a hairy chest. IT WAS SO DISTRACTING! I didn't know where to look. I couldn't look away though. He has larger nipples than me. I think mine are kinda small. Especially when you compare them to the overall size of my breasts. I also felt up Louse's breast because I was like "Noooooo, I can't believe that we're the same size" I don't think that I gained any real insight about if our boobs are the same size or not, but I did manage to awkward myself out real bad. I'm not supposed to be feeling her titties. It's just not right. So, she decided that we have the same size boobs, it's just that mine are bigger compared to my overall body size. That worked for me. Made sense.

I was supposed to be going to dance class tonight. It isn't happening because I'm a pushover and I swapped shifts with Matt and I don't finish until 9 now. It's lame. I'm feeling quite down about it. At least I have delicious food to eat. I made some vege lasagne last night. I may have over salted the eggplant ever so slightly. Just a tiny bit...It's just lucky I didn't salt the rest of the dish. I should have done more pumpkin too but I really couldn't be bothered. I'm hungry. Flopi isn't going to make me not hungry. Although apparently it contains fiber. I don't quite understand how that works, but they sure are tasty.

I'm gonna check my facebook. I think I have my ranting done for the day. I'm feeling much calmer. Perhaps a little sleepy in fact. I could so go for a nap.

He has that look in his eyes again.
The time is near.
He wants to rip my clothes off.
I made the right choice when getting dressed today.
I'm so aroused.
It's so close.
I can almost taste it.

I wasn't actually going to turn that into a random poem thing, but it happened. I'M SO EXCITED! Any day now. Any day.

I'm going to get GILF tattooed across my knuckles when I'm old. Because you know I will be. I'm gonna have tittes to africa by then(We were just discussing the GILF tattoo in the office in case you were wondering what inspired that....).

BOREDOM BLOGGING

I. Am bored. So I'm going to blog. Blog blog blog. It's something to do while I'm down in reception, answering the zero phone calls and talking to all the no people around here. They're all off visiting the train. I just put my sweater on and my hair got all staticy. Awesome. Yeah, so pretty much everyone in transport has gone to have a squiz at the train, and I got sent down to reception to cover it, and I would much rather be upstairs answering calls, shooting sexy glances across the room with my provocatively tight clothing and amazing cleavage. Yeah, that's right. My cleavage is amazing. You know it. I should have taken the total mobility stuff with me after all. Aw yus. Tarsh is bringing them down for me. It's sad that I'm excited by this. So so sad.

So last night, I got a bit angry/depressed/I'm not entirely sure what the emotion was, but it was leading to self destruction. I only had 2 vodkas. I also cried. I walked in the door, no one was home, and I just started crying. I don't really understand it. I think, it was the bus ride, and all that time to think about things. It's good when I have a book to read on the way home because it stops me from fixating on all the small shit. Or the big stuff as it may be. Mostly, sexual frustration, surrounding the man I want in my pants more than anyone else but seem to be finding it impossible to achieve. I need to talk to him. Not via text. In person. And tell him it's making me mental. Because it is. I mean, I'm pretty hot. I could have a lot of guys if I wanted. But I really want him. But if he doesn't want to bang me, then he should say. We all know how much I hate not knowing.

BUT I think I made some serious progress today. In that, um, he texted me this morning, cos he was bored, and he wanted to be stimulated. I asked what kind of stimulation. He said visual. I sent a pretty excellent picture. It didn't include any genitals. Or nipple. But it was pretty good. So good in fact, that it elicited the response of "I want to fuck you right now". That's pretty much what I was aiming for. And a positive step towards getting what I want. I'm pretty sure he's going to stick to his promise of banging in return for my non smoking. I'm doing so well! I would have caved last night if there was tobacco around. I think. In saying this, when I got home, I got my greens, and I was going to smoke it. But then I got to the oven, and I couldn't bring myself to turn on the knives. I actually don't want to fail on my quitting. I'm real proud of myself for making it this far. I know a lot of people struggle even getting to this point, so I feel like I deserve to give myself a lot of credit.

I'm hungry. So hungry. Okay, I have some things I can do now so I'm gonna do them. SCHWEET!

XOXO (imagine the gossip girl voice saying that)

A monkey ate my soup.

It didn't really. I don't even know any monkeys. Or where I would find one other than at the zoo, and I'm at work, which is ages away from the zoo, so it's totally not possible. I don't even have soup today, I have stir fry.

I am SO tired. Argh! I still can't sleep properly. I'm so exhausted, yet I can't sleep through the night. It's driving me insane. I was wide awake at 4am. I was so awake, that I contemplated getting up and going for a run, but then I looked at the time, and decided that probably wasn't the best idea. The streets of Newtown are dangerous. And 4am is no time to be running. Maybe I'll start doing erratic runs. I'm going to go for a sweet run tomorrow when I get up. It's going to be 6kms. I hope it's not raining. That would be a bit shit. I went for my run with Annie. It was 4.5kms. I'm gonna wrap up this blog tout suite(I don't know that that is the correct spelling, but I'ma roll with it all the same). It's real short huh.

I'm just gonna say it now, because I know she doesn't read my blogs...wait...this might come back to bite me in the ass. I won't say it. All I can say, is that I'm going to beat smokings ass. I'm determined not to fail...while in Wellington...I'm going to include an out of the country clause. And...yeah. I don't know what else I was going to say. Probably because I don't actually have anything to say.

I've almost finished reading Roomanitarian by Henry Rollins. I quite enjoy it. I'm going to finish reading it tonight. I've been trying reading until I'm pretty much asleep. It works, but then I wake up a few hours later. SO STRANGE! But tomorrow, I'm gonna give it back to my boss. Cos it's his book. Yeah, that's right. Sucking up to the boss. Sucking off the boss. SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK OMG.

I'm making lemon meringue pie tonight. It should be delicious. I'm going to make sure everything(mostly the meringue) is super whipped to ensure extra deliciousness. And then it will be beautifully glossy also. I'm excited. It's going to pass the time most excellently.

OVER AND OUT.

Burning Time

I have so much time to kill now. It's ridiculous. What do people do when they don't smoke anything? Last night I read like...a third of a book. That's a lot. This is a book that I've been trying to read but keep getting interrupted. So, I just sat there, and read it. Not all of it, I still have another third to go, but ya know, that's more reading in one night than I'd managed to achieve in at least a month.

Tonight I'm going to take Annie for a run. SO much pent up energy. And I hurt. And I once heard, that exercise is good for cramps, and seeing as I can't use my regular pain relief, I may as give this exercise crap a crack. I really timed things well. I guess, if I couldn't do it now, I wouldn't have been able to do it at any other point, like, I may as well do it when it's tricky, than try when it's supposedly easy.

Work is kinda lame today. He's being funny. I'm not sure if he actually is or not. I knew this would be a potential issue. I was warned right at the start, he wasn't being cold, he just, yeah. And I understand that, but at the same time I don't think there's enough open dialogue between us to really know where things are at. I'm pretty much an open book. I don't know if he is because I don't know what questions would get me the answers I want. OW! I remember why I hate bleeding. Damn. I really need to go to the doctors. I should get myself some hayfever stuff before I leave the country. I really need to get more pills too. I could just go to FPA, but then hayfever...what if I get really bad hayfever in Japan? I have no idea if the flora is going to set me off. But if I go to FPA I can get an STI test, which I should probably have done, just to know I'm all good, even though I'm pretty sure I am. I should be. I'd rather be safe than sorry though. I wonder if I need a smear too...I normally get them at the same time because if they're sticking the pelican up there I may as well have them scrape a little more of my wall and get the whole shibang. Maybe I'll just do that. And buy some hayfever stuff separately. Yeah. I'll do that. It'll be rad.

I can't stop using the word rad. I just can't. I need it. It makes me whole. Complete. Entire. I don't need a relationship, I have rad to make everything alright. It'll spoon me at night. It won't leave me waiting in the cold. It won't say it wants to do something with me and then bail at the last minute. Yeah, me and rad, we go way back.

I didn't get much sleep last night. Again. It's rough. I need some sleep. Some proper sleep. The problem is that there's the non smoking electricity running through my veins, I think it's called oxygen which was previously carbon monoxide. Anyway. I'm so tired, yet incapable of sleep, because my body isn't tired enough. But it should be, because like, yesterday, I got up, did some skipping, went for a walk every break I had, went to pole dancing after work...that should be heaps. That's at least 2 hours of light to moderate exercise. That's more than some people do in a week. Admittedly, I normally get at least 30 minutes exercise a day, because I have sexual frustration issues that can't be addressed so I have to exercise it out. I think the no weed thing isn't helping the sleep.

Today, I've already danced like a spaz for 20 minutes(I tried skipping inside cos I wanted music but there were too many obstacles and I wasn't getting any skipping done and figured jumping around erratically is probably just as, if not more, effective. I just don't have a calorie counter to tell me I've burnt 100 calories, or how many skips I've done, or how long I've been doing it for. THis information is must be mostly incorrect because I'm not sure how it accounts for whipping yourself, or things like that. Also, it takes me much longer than just under 9 minutes. My dancing included power squats. What makes a squat powerful you ask? Well...tip toes. I can't explain it any further than that. I've decided I'm going to learn how to do the splits. It's a long term goal. I don't think it's going to happen this year even, but it will happen. Also today, I've walked for at like, 35 minutes. Because each break, I'm like "ARGH! I WANT A CIGARETTE!" But I can't, so I walk instead.

Okay. I'm gonna read some book and stop boring you with talk about exercise and how much I want to smoke. I'[m going to join in the office conversation. And then read the book. I'M GOING TO FINISH IT IN THE NEXT 2 DAYS!

Day Two

Technically, it's only day one, because I may have smoked some yesterday. Just like, 3. I wasn't going to, but then I hung out with Matty, and he got me a bit blazed, and then...yeah. It was too much. But today is a new day, and I'm doing good. I want one, but mostly to try and make the electricity sensation running through my veins chill out. Like, that would be rad.

I got batteries for my scales yesterday. Either they're better at telling the truth with fresh batteries, or I've put on weight. Not much though so I don't actually care. And I'm quite happy with my body presently. And I hadn't taken a shit before I weighed myself. And, I think, I'm actually going to be exercising way more. And I won't be getting the munchies so I probably won't want to eat so much. And I most likely won't gorge myself quite so frequently. I still will I'm sure, because I like eating things, especially delicious things.

Oh man. I should have my break. Yeah. I'm going for it in 2 minutes. And I'm gonna walk around the block. Possibly very quickly. Because auoghqe rntlgnadrklhvgnlwesfo;l. Yeah, that's right. I'm so locking my computer before I go so that the people who enjoy prying can't. Okay. Posting now. I'm going on some R&R thing. I'll continue later...

Stoned Ramblings

Hello, and welcome. How's it goin? I, have been better. So much better. I believe the term is highly hungover. Anyway.

I said I was going to do a stoned rambling email, and here I am. I'm clean living as of the time I go to bed so I thought I should do this now. And, to be fair, I feel wrong being in bed before 2 on a Saturday night. And I did sleep a lot this afternoon. I needed it. Yep. No more weed for a bit, no more smoking-I'm pretty sure I'll fall off the wagon while I'm in Japan, but that's okay, it'll just be while I'm there, I don't intend on smoking when I get back, and I think as long as I'm honest with myself about these things, it's okay. I won't be failing, I'll just be putting nicotine abstinence on the back burner for a couple of weeks. Yeah. But at least I'm willing to admit these things. Oh, and I won't be drinking at least next weekend, if not the weekend after as well. I think I'm ready to embrace clean living with open arms. Yes, I feel like shit today. I'm just going to have a spot.

So, it's currently 1:30am. I'm going to see how much ramble I can get done in 30 minutes, but I'm going to have a cigarette, 2 more spots, and a cup of some...ginger and lemon green tea. I think I need some anti oxidants. And ginger for the stomach settling thing. SPOT! Haha don't you hate it when you can't find shit and just turn around in circles looking for it? Yeah, that....mmmm. I think I might be high enough. I'll just have one more spot. Just one you know? I need to smoke pretty much every last bit of weed. I'm going with a total removal plan, rather than having it sitting around waiting for me to be tempted. And lets face it, temptation resistance isn't one of my strong points.

I'm currently playing "Swing while you're winning". I'm not particularly proud of that fact either. But I just...I have no cds. I have nothing. My music collection is bullshit and it's starting to bother me. I don't watch tv much, I just listen to music, and I have so few cds. I'm totally open to rad mix cds if anyone wants to make me one. Oh man. So high. Need to remember to inhale deeply. I just realised how shallow my breathing was. I should smoke. Haha I almost grabbed prunes to snack on. What a foolish munchie food. That's just asking for disaster. SMOKE!

They were actually Plum Amazins. But really, they're just chopped up bits of prunes. But maybe a little less moist. Yes. Definitely less moist. I'm going to get a different chair. THis computer set up in not working for my back presently.Ooooh, padded. I'm kind of straddling the computer desk. And it's way too high for the keyboard. Maybe if I have it on my lap...I don't...oooh, yeah, better. So much better.

Right. Last night. I got fucked up. I drank 250mls of 45% vodka(thats like a 15% bottle of wine) before I got into town. Well, I was drinking in town, but not at a bar so I don't count that as being in town. I have too much sleeve action going on right now. I'm wearing a long sleeved top, a tshit(typo but it's good), a sweater thing, a polar fleece thing, and my dressing gown. FUck. Sidetracking to the MAX! So, yes, don't actually remember the walk from Toulas work to cavern. That's how drunk I was. So, I don't remember a lot of the night it's safe to say. I'm glad I was wearing a t shirt though because it meant I didn't have to worry about nipples or anything like that. Because apparently I was falling over while on the dance floor. Louse had to support me. I was fall over drunk. And apparently I fell asleep in the bathrooms. Honestly! That's terrible! I lost my bag for the longest time too. Fuck. I'm. Ugh. I'm kind of ashamed. That's not okay. I'm supposed to be in more control of myself than that. I just had a flashback! I DO remember being at Waitangi Park. That's such a relief. I don't know if I'm remembering other times though. Huh. CLean living is going to be good. I also had a pill that I vaguely remember taking.

Myself, Too Attached(he's not, I don't think, but I'll stick with it), and 3 of his friends went back to TA's house, and fuck it was a maze. I've never been so lost in a house that I've been in so many times. It always confuses me though. I couldn't find the bathroom. I gave up, had a smoke, and realised it was starting to get light. Apparently, whilst at Cavern, my dancing got very sexy indeed. I knew pole dancing would do this to me. To be fair, I've always danced like a stripper, I'm quite comfortable with this fact and came to terms with it a long time ago. BUt, now, it's like I've been armed with these tools, of knowledge, and I can't stop myself. I think it's best I stay out of bars with poles for a while; not that I've been to any such bars in quite some time. I need to find some music. I'm also going to make myself an ice cream sandwich. Because I can. I'm going to steal some chocolate sprinkles too. Because they help make it more deliciouser. Yes, that's a real word. I'm sure spell check disagrees with me, but fuck you spell check, I'll make up words whenever I want.

Kate Nash it is. My ice cream cake has chocolate and colourful sprinkles. Awesome. I should charge my camera so that I can take photos of this shit. This morning...aw man. I'm so not going to write any more. I just wasted a bunch of time doing nothing in particular in my room and playing on facebook because I couldn't type while eating an ice cream sandwich. It's 3am. I'm going to bed. My organs feel funny. Maybe its because I'm going to bleed. I picked such a good week for it. Monday, will be a very interesting day. I imagine there might be a lot of rage. Right. SMoking my final cigarette and going to bed.

Here's to clean living and getting myself laid.

Night bitches.

Over and out.