I should be sleeping.

But I'm not. I'm at work. Blogging. With cramps. I have cramps. I feel like general not so awesome to be perfectly honest. And I really want to sleep. Maybe I'll get in a nap before people turn up tonight. If the party at my house is still happening. I'm unsure if it is or it isn't, I'm just assuming that it is. And I better not get asked to do cleaning before the party because I need a nap or I'm gonna be a super cranky PMS monster and I don't think I have a costume for that but I'm sure I can improvise. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU HAVE CRANKY POWERS.

I really like writing things in caps. It makes them look so much more serious. Like, take me seriously or I'll beat you up. Yeah, I'm totes on the rag. I'm not normally this aggressive. I'm sure I'm not. Maybe I am in my blog...I don't know.

So, Thursday, he still wants me. I think he's torn about this fact. Because he wants me, but he doesn't trust me. Because I said something(fuck knows what) and F told him that I said something. I have no idea what it is that I said. But now I'm being treated by her like I'm a spy, and cool, I totally was being a spy, but she doesn't need to make digs at "no one in particular" a la moi.

I know he still wants me, because...he looked at me, and then my legs, and back up at my face, and I smiled at him, and shrugged my shoulders. He then responded with a shoulder shrug also. And then texted me and said "yes I was checking out your legs". I'm going to reclaim my power. I just wanted him so badly, all the time before, and I just wanted him to touch me and want me as much as I wanted him. I knew I was giving him too much power. FUck him for kissing me in the street before I left. That was way too hot. Anyway. I'm not gonna fall over myself trying to get in his pants. I still want in his pants. I can ignore it.

I was going to write something else...I'm gonna think on that one for a bit...maybe urinate, see if I come up with something else. I haven't. I'll write another blog later if it comes to it. I don't think I will, but I could. It's not impossible.

I don't need boys anymore.

I have the only real friend a girl needs. And she's beautiful. SO beautiful. Also, purple. Because that's the only colour they had. But it doesn't matter. She's still beautiful. And perfect. And is never going to make me sad. She's never gonna tell me I look like shit, even when I do, and she's not gonna get annoyed at me when I sleep with other people. She isn't going to tell me that I look beautiful, but she'll make me feel good.

I LOVE HER.

I actually do. I could spend hours with her without even talking and it wouldn't matter. We're just that connected.

But in all seriousness. She's rechargable, has 8 modes, and a multitude of speeds ranging from gentle to OMG THE INTENSITY LEVELS ARE OFF THE HOOK.

I was thinking about it last night, and if like, someone fucked me up the arse I could use it at the same time and the vibrating would blow their minds out of the fucking water. Yes, that's right, I was maturbating and thinking about anal. I...don't know who I am anymore. I just think a guy would love it more than is humanly possible to describe.

Okay. Now that I've talked about nothing but sex(with myself), and I'm hungry. Time to walk around the block for a bit.

An angry face?

I feel like I deserve to be wearing one.

Stop being a dick and ignoring me. Like actually, how old are you? Too old to be pulling this shit. That's how old. I don't even know the last time I gave someone the silent treatment. Especially not for days. DAYS! STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG AND JUST TALK TO ME. ASK ME SOME MENIAL SHIT. I DON'T CARE. JUST STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING EGG.

That's okay. I'm wearing my "Who's That?" t-shirt today, and I really want someone to ask me what it says, so I can use a bitch voice and say it.

Okay, just spoke a TINY bit. And only cos I know shit. It's just dumb. DUMB.

Yes, I'm in a capsy mood today. BUT GUESS WHAT??????!!!! TODAY! I GET! A VIBRATOR! It's going to love me forever too. Unconditionally. Okay, as long as it has batteries. I should buy a box. I think I'm going to just end up spending a whole bunch of time masturbating. Like heaps. I can tell. I'll start going to bed at 8:30 just so I can spend a while masturbating before falling asleep exhausted. Should I stop talking about wanking? Maybe yes. Would you like that? Wait, you were enjoying this weren't you. Getting all randy. Hot and bothered, imagining me playing with myself. Okay okay, I'll stop. I know you aren't really enjoying it that much. Maybe a little, but you could never admit it.

Okay. He talked to me a little more, but only when involving the entire office almost. But he was making definite eye contact. Positive steps. I'm not gonna make anything happen though. If it happens it happens. I'm not counting on shit though. Hence, VIBRATOR PARTY IN MY PANTS!!!!! I'm just so excited. I haven't owned a functional sex toy in over a year. I used to hide out and wank when I was getting depressed. Now I just wank whenever. I don't discriminate.

Oh. This has turned into a blog about wanking. Terrible. I'm not gonna say sorry though, because you should have known that I'm prone to doing things like this.

I thought I cared

But maybe I don't.



Am I actually that fickle? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just not going to tolerate being left in the background, struggling to get some attention. Maybe that's what I've decided. That I shouldn't have to try this hard. Yep. I'm too good for that much effort to be wasted on one person who only wants me once in a blue moon. I want more attention than that.

All I can say, is don't kiss me on the street if you don't want me to think that maybe, there might be a possibility of something more. I think that's a good rule to have. A really, really good rule. Especially if you don't want to confuse someone. Especially someone who is a mildly vulnerable emotional position. Because they're really anxious about flying out of the country. Just don't do it, because hopes will be raised, and then they'll spend their whooooole holiday, thinking maybe they've got a chance when they get back, when really, no, they don't.

It's okay. I'm quite happy to continue a casual thing, but he's going to have to actually try, because I'm not going to. As much as I want him, I'm just going to sit back and wait. And if nothing else happens? Well, that's okay. Whatever. Done with caring.

I still want to date someone. I have a whole bunch of affection that's just swishing round inside me. I can't get a dog until I've done my South America thing. So not until the start of 2012. At least. That gives me a little over a year and a half of limitless affection with no outlet. Yep. And I'm bored of being alone. Not that I'm really lonely, but I just. Uh. I think I'm going to work on more attainable crushes. Not in a lowering of standards kind of way. But in a, not almost impossible to make work kind of way. Yep.

Speaking of goals, really need to start learning how to drive. Really need to get a new card. Right. It just became tomorrows lunchtime mission. Because having a sense of achievement is good, and it motivates me to do more.

What's also good, is getting laid. Which I did. On Saturday night. He was maybe a little bit on the young side of things. Not actually too young, just younger than my usual age bracket allows. He's 3 years(and 3 days) younger than me. I'm friends with him on facebook. That's how I was so specific about the age gap just then. But. It totally didn't matter. Because he still knew what he was doing. And that's the only reason why I put that rule in place. Because I was sick of young guys not know what they're doing. SO not a problem. Even went down on me straight away, and quite frankly, doesn't get more gentlemanly than that.

Funny thing is, bartender at Caverns younger brother. I was told yesterday that I should try and sleep with all the staff there. I reckon I could almost do it. I don't know that I should be becoming the Cavern slut though. The one with the longterm girlfriend might be a slight problem. Probably the main one I'd like to sleep with. That's okay. I could sleep with the older brother. LOLOLOLOLOL! I don't think I've ever slept with brothers. Together or seperately.

TA was there with his new girlfriend. He really isn't TA anymore, but I can't be bothered giving him a different name. I made accidental bitch face when talking about her the next day. I think it was more of a bitchface at Rugrats to be fair. Because she seemed nice enough, and I still feel good about the fact that I ditched him because he wouldn't have started his thing with her if I was still around. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I'm just really, not attracted.

I really like tall guys though. I also really want a piggyback. Yeah. That would be rad. Tall and muscular. But not retardedly muscular. Because that's yuck. Put your veins away, they're freaking me out. YUCK! VEINS! EW! Not ewe. Ew.

I have pole dancing tonight. I hope I do. I forgot to email them until today but I'm assuming that it'll be fine. She'll be right. It's the kiwi way. I'm really looking forward to it though. I need to do some decent exercise. Although, did walk most of the way to work today. It keeps raining on me when I'm walking to work. It's a bit shit. I'm looking forward to summer and its more agreeable weather.

I'm going to return to working properly. I've always been working properly. THE WHOLE DAY. Stink. I really liked sneaking off and having sexy times. Ah well. It might still happen. I'm just not feeling overly optimistic. Who knows. Tomorrow I may have changed my tune completely. We'll see!

I want to talk to him but I don't know if I can.

It's like there's a force field stopping me.



There are so many things I want to say but I'm holding myself back. I don't think he feels the same. But how would I know? You don't know unless you ask. I'll get there. Give me a week and some decent sleep. I was going to ask today. I couldn't find the words. It's scary. Life is scary. You don't gain anything without taking a risk. I feel like...there's added risk. Because of the circumstances surrounding it. I think he's annoyed at me. I should be annoyed at him. Sheesh.



I'm starved of intimacy. I crave physical contact. I think I'm hitting a bit of a low. Maybe it's just sleep deprivation. I don't know. Do you? Can you offer some insight into my mind?



I feel a wave of self destruction. Maybe a tsunami. I'm feeling self concious and uncertain.



It's not all bad though.



Today, I was asked if I wanted to work on level 6 in marketing for a couple of months. I'm not sure when I'll be starting. I figure it'll be good on my cv. A little career development never did anyone harm. Or maybe it did. But I think this should be good for me. I was going to ask then how he felt. While we were talking about my future opportunities. He was checking me out and I felt confident about where I stood. But now, I'm not so sure.



It's havoc on the roads tonight. Multiple car crashes, pretty much everywhere. I'm cranking.