Crampy times

I hurt real bad. Cramping hard. I say bad, but I know that mine is nothing compared to some of the uterine joys that some of my friends have.

So, I find out, shortly after arriving, that I will be taking calls with my new arch nemesis from downstairs. I don't even know her. I just know that I want to hate her, and you know what? I really feel like indulging myself at the moment. Maybe we'll form a close bond while working together. It does appear I will be working with her at least from time to time, probably have to help next week because Sara is doing jury duty, even though she's SOOOOOO busy. That so was sarcastic. Just so you know. I quietly hope that she likes ladies, and I can fuck her, and I can be like "Yeah, that's right boys, I fucked her, and you haven't" and I...yeah. Fuck. I'm just so hormonal. I actually want to hunt down women that I view as competition and rip them to shreds. I have a problem. I'm aware of said problem. That doesn't make it okay.

I just want to fuck and hide in bed with someone nice and snuggly and who will say nice things to me and make me feel super special and...yep. Maybe make me food too. I would like that. Boys don't make me meals very often. Not since Dan. Psh. Haven't even had a boyfriend since him. Shit. Sad state of affairs for me.

I;m starting to get worried about wrinkles. I'm turning into an old lady. Aw man. I should start having babies.

Feeling threatened.

I have to say, my self esteem, is feeling pretty delicate presently. It may be because my uterine lining is about to slowly slip out of me. It may be that my diet hasn't been stunning of late. It may be the fact that my skin has been rash fucking central for weeks on end. And I mean actually, week upon week of fucking horrible rash. On my face. Give me hidden rash. I find that much easier to deal with. I HATE FACE RASH! And, so, today started the new girl downstairs. Normally, this wouldn't be a thing. Not a thing in the slightest. But, she's relatively attractive, the men are fucking drooling over her, and I am hormonal as fuck. I just. Ugh. I don't want to feel like this, but I can't help it.

It makes it worse that he's all like "damn, whoa, hot" ( put that in speech marks but that isn't exactly what he said, but it pretty much was, I tried to not listen because I could feel my soul crushing into a thousand pieces(I exaggerate slightly, but fuck, I...hormones)) and seriously, I just want to cry today. I want to be told that I'm pretty and I want to feel like I'm the only person that someone cares about. I want to be loved. I'm sad, and lonely, and I want some genuine affection and to feel like I actually mean something. I hope like fuck that bleeding is going to make some difference to the way I feel. I fucking hope so. Otherwise I need to get things changing real soon. Because I don't like feeling like this. Trying to keep the crying out of my voice. I'm not bawling my eyes out, don't get me wrong. There may be an occassional tear rolling down my face though.

Okay. I think the drama in my head may have passed. FOR NOW!!! I actually feel like a certified crazy lady. Those girls that men seem to think are every woman. That is me today. I want to paint my freakin nails and get a hair cut. I actually am going to do that this week. Because I think it will make me feel better. Unless it goes badly, and then I'll probably cry, and mourn the fact that Meg is no longer here. I miss her. Her cute lil Japanese face and her lil dog and the way that she asks about everyone by name and how she didn't even realise that half my friend were for real gays and awwwww. She's just too freakin adorable. Now I'm sad again.

I also want to eat lots of candy, not that it will help me feel better in any way, shape or form. It won't make me feel better. probably make me all self loathing and shit. Vegetables. Must eat many many vegetables today. Or maybe I'll just eat leftovers from last night. I might go for a run when I get home. See if it lifts my mood. The weather is sucking balls though.

This window doesn't want to be open anymore. I'm feeling better now just by the way. Not properly better, but not so sad, and not so unwanted. I still feel I've been neglecting an emotional requirements part of my brain for a long time. Which I have. I've been single for a whole year and a half. That's 18 months. I could have carried TWO BABIES to full term by now. I'd be ravaged for sure, but it still could have happened. Thank god it didn't. But still.

All I want to do is nurture you.

Maybe it's time I had a bleed. Lame. He hurt his back. Pinched a nerve or somethin, but did a real good job at it. He looks like a cripple when he tries to move. He is a cripple really. For the time being at least. He isn't fucking fit. I wish he was. Goddamn. I am like a ball of pent up sexual energy and I'm slightly worried about where I'm going to explode. I could just take advantage of him. It's not like he'd be able to run away... He's just struggling to do EVERYTHING, and I really want to help him, because of that whole maternal thing that pulses through my veins. Oh wait, those are lady hormones. My lady hormones want to take him in my arms and cuddle him and do everything for him. It was actually painful watching him try to put his stuff in his bag to leave. I took his cup out to the kitchen before, I practically had to fight him to take it even though I was going anyway. I told him "Just because you can do something on your own doesn't mean you have to." I said I can come in earlier in the morning if he needs me to also. Because today they were a person down, and the call stats received a thrashing. AND I'M A TEAM PLAYER! And an A grade brown-noser. I'm not really brown nosing. I just like him. And I would do...well, almost anything for him. But I actually am an awesome team member. It's not like I wasn't the same when I worked at the hotel. I was going to say the supermarket, but it wasn't really required. Here I just enjoy it more because I get some sweet eye candy. And I get paid overtime. Which in turn buys me pretty things. Okay. I'm gonna go. I haven't written shit in about 2 hours, and well, there's only 1.5 to go and I'm pretty sure I can find things to entertain myself with until then. Damn I need some sexy times.

I bet if I was less attractive I'd have a boyfriend.

I think I'm just sexually frustrated. I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE! And, I want to just be able to lie around naked and having sex for half a day, once a week. Just, you know, oooh, it's a bit cold, lets just stay in bed and fuck today.

Shit. I love sex. I need to sort out getting lots of sex without being a slut. Because being a slut only works short term, and I'm pretty sure I've already slept with more people than is normally acceptable. I don't even know how many people I've slept with. That's terrible. I WANT MONOGAMY.

Right. Day 1 of 2 days off. Consumed by sexual desire. Going to redirect it into cleaning.

I was going to video blog

But I'm not at home, and I'm at work, so I'm just gonna write this shit down. Maybe I'll video this poo later, but for now, typity typetype time. I actually really need to pee first though.

Okay. Right. So. DAYUM I WANT HIM. I spent all day yesterday looking up from my computer at him(I was sitting at the desk that faces his) and gosh. That's all I can say. Gosh. And then today, I had to come in to work, because, well, there was pleading involved. Because there was no one else to do it. But, you know what he said to me today? "I was thinking about inviting you round last night, and then we could have just come in together" WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS?! I would have fucking loved it. A bit of a step forward too in terms of...I don't know. There's never been any sleepovers. And I want to. I WANT TO. HOLD ME ALL NIGHT LOOOOOOONG.

Fuck. I would of loved it. He sited minimal sleep as a reason why it would have been a bad idea. Honestly, I would have turned up to work after a 30 minute nap and I would have been so freaking happy it wouldn't have mattered.

So, rather than going home with him and having sweet sweet sexy times and amazing oral, I went to have a drink with Tim. Did I tell y'all bout him? He's a musician and he thinks I'm rad and wants to get in my pants but I'm not really interested even though he's a nice guy and there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with him, but he's just not my flavour. Anyway. Went to have a drink with him. Didn't end up getting a drink cos he'd misplaced his apartment swiper and wanted to check his car to see if it was there. It was. We went for a drive.

I told him not to try any funny shit cos I'd fuck him up. He didn't. We drove round the bays a bit, got to...Point Halswell(just round from Shelley Bay) and he parks up, gets out, and sits on a conveniently placed bench. I go over and sit next to him, and I know, I know that he wants to mack. And, I don't say anything, I just go and sit down next to him. And it's cold. Really rather cold. Especially with the whole not wearing heaps because I didn't expect to be exposed to the cold for more than 15 minutes and I was supposed to be power walking home. We're sitting there, and he puts his arm around me. Okay. That's fine. There are birds. They sound funny. Can't see them, but they are definitely there. Oh well. So, he's like, rubbing my arm. I feel like I'm quietly starved of affection presently. I'm not really, but, kind of. Anyway, he's rubbin my back a little too, then moves in to hug(possibly kiss but I'm trying SO HARD to pretend none of this is going on)

QUICKLY CUTTING IN: I just became part of his anecdotes about girls he's slept with. "I went to one girls house and she had like a horse whip on her wall" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

And returning.... So he's sitting side on, facing me, and I'm sitting facing forward towards the sea, and he's hugging me trying to warm me up a little, and I'm kind of burying my head on his should in the hope that he isn't going to try and take it any further, but I know he will, and then he starts kissing me, and I want to be into it. I really kinda do. Hahaha. No, but, it has the potential to be nice. And, yeah, he's going real slow, and I'm just not really giving him anything back, and I dunno, half hearted kissing. This went on for a minute or two. It felt like a long time. Because I spent the whole time trying to figure out how to let him down gently. And, well, I kind of stopped, and put my finger on his lips, and asked him if he could please take me home. He asked what the matter was, and I said I didn't know, and then he asked if I was uncomfortable, and I said yeah, sorry, that kinda thing. He took me home.

We discussed why I was uncomfortable. The other guy factor. I said it was complicated. Which it is. It's marvellously complicated. I can't think of a single sexual relationship that I have ever had that has been more complicated than whatever it is I have going on right now. But I still love it. It's fucked up. I feed on it. The tension. The frustration. Maybe I have a problem? Perhaps I do. Whatevs.

So, either way, here I am at work. I have 2 hours to go. I was going to finish at 12, but then someone called up cos their uncle died and wouldn't be coming in. So there is actually only 4 people on today. So, I'm staying till 3. Cos I'm awesome, and I'm a team player, and I like getting paid the overtime. It helps me buy things that I want. And after today, I get two days off, which is rather handy considering we have a flat inspection on Thursday. Yay.

Not sure what to do about the cat situation. The woman who will be inspecting our house saw the cat last time. She was playing with him. Shit. I don't know. We're not allowed a cat. And I guess my "We taped over the cat door because the local cats have been coming in" thing isn't really going to fly with her. I just don't know with that one. Ah well. Hahahaha. I just got asked about what I put in here. Bullshit. That's what I put in here. Babble. Venting, gotta get it off my chest babble.

Okay. I'm going to watch Eerie Indiana now. If you don't know what it is, youtube that shit. Fond memories of it from my childhood. Ciao x

CUMSTRIL

Similar to the nostril. But with cum. In the nostril. Had it last night. It was pretty enjoyable. Not the cumstril part, but the bit leading up to it. Very enjoyable even. 4 out of 4. I think I might be winning. Even if I get disapproving looks. From my friends. I know, he isn't good for me. I deserve someone better. Well, I don't care. Because he's hot. So hot. And, he eats puss like a pro. A FUCKING PRO. You may, or may not believe me, but DAMN! Honestly, best eatin my puss has recieved in longer than I can remember. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM I love m's and n's side by side.

Kelis - Millionaire

I've had this song stuck in my head for days. I think I love it.

Keepin it short

I'm keeping this to a bare minimum, because I'm tired, and cranky, and ever so slightly hung, so I could turn this into a MASSIVE RANT. But I'm not going to. I don't think. Look! I got new boots!

Yes, that is a wedge heel. I wore them for the entirety of last night, and even walked all the way down Brooklyn Hill, which is quite the hill to walk down in any form of heel. But I totes managed it. And I think we will be having many magical adventures together this winter. I'm hoping for no ice. Icy roads/footpaths freak me out. I can blame Dunedin for that one. I think it should be okay this year though because the city doesn't ice up. Does it? I don't think it does.

So. Lately. I have been getting the high fives for the banging, but also the "He's not good enough" for you thing. I know. He's hot. But he isn't good enough. But will anyone ever be? Wait. Yes. I know someone who would get instant approval. If only he wanted me. Wait, no, he does, but it's complicated. Not complicated really, because it's quite straight forward. Are you enjoying this circular conversation I'm having with myself? I can keep going. Anyway. He whose name shall not be spoked. Voldemort. Actually, I'm referring to him as Voldemort for the rest of this post. I may make it ongoing.

So Volde, he's still messing with my head a bit. So much hot and cold. One minute he's eating me out and having cuddles and open conversations with me, and the next he's being a diiiiiiiiick, making me feel like...well, like shit I guess. Because I'm pretty up and down for the most part. Up more often than not. But still, kinda fragile. Just a bit. Things get to me more than I would ever care to admit. Especially to him. I don't want him to know how he affects me. I'm sure he can see it. If he looked he would. I feel my face drop. Is it really necessary to tell everyone about the hot coffee chick who would appear to want to get in your pants? You're an attractive man, I get it. It's not like I talk about all the guys that hit on me. Fuck. I'd be there for hours(LOLOLOLOL). But seriously, I'd only mention one that was particularly noteworthy, done in a fashion that requires talking about because it was so hilarious/flattering/weird. He is incredibly insecure. Not that he would ever admit that. But really, I know it's true. He's hung up on his past as a fatty. All he can do is talk about girls he used to fuck or girls that want to fuck him. You know what? It's real easy to make him unattractive(not physically, can't deny the facts) when he isn't around making me swoon with his hotness. He can be real sweet too, but not in the office. He has to have his asshole persona in full force.

Bastard didn't even tell me I was going to be working with Debra today. That was a nice surprise to walk into this morning. Just what I always wanted.

Feels like I ate a pack of cigarettes last night. Burning ones. My throat feels raw. Like I attacked it with cigarette sandpaper. Must give up. Not good for me. Love it though. Sheesh. Why do all the good things have to be so bad for me?

Do you know what this isn't? Short. I'm going to have a nap on my break. Because fuck I need one. Sleeeeeeeeep. It's only 10:46. AM. Okay. Break time now. Post time now.