I thought I cared

But maybe I don't.



Am I actually that fickle? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just not going to tolerate being left in the background, struggling to get some attention. Maybe that's what I've decided. That I shouldn't have to try this hard. Yep. I'm too good for that much effort to be wasted on one person who only wants me once in a blue moon. I want more attention than that.

All I can say, is don't kiss me on the street if you don't want me to think that maybe, there might be a possibility of something more. I think that's a good rule to have. A really, really good rule. Especially if you don't want to confuse someone. Especially someone who is a mildly vulnerable emotional position. Because they're really anxious about flying out of the country. Just don't do it, because hopes will be raised, and then they'll spend their whooooole holiday, thinking maybe they've got a chance when they get back, when really, no, they don't.

It's okay. I'm quite happy to continue a casual thing, but he's going to have to actually try, because I'm not going to. As much as I want him, I'm just going to sit back and wait. And if nothing else happens? Well, that's okay. Whatever. Done with caring.

I still want to date someone. I have a whole bunch of affection that's just swishing round inside me. I can't get a dog until I've done my South America thing. So not until the start of 2012. At least. That gives me a little over a year and a half of limitless affection with no outlet. Yep. And I'm bored of being alone. Not that I'm really lonely, but I just. Uh. I think I'm going to work on more attainable crushes. Not in a lowering of standards kind of way. But in a, not almost impossible to make work kind of way. Yep.

Speaking of goals, really need to start learning how to drive. Really need to get a new card. Right. It just became tomorrows lunchtime mission. Because having a sense of achievement is good, and it motivates me to do more.

What's also good, is getting laid. Which I did. On Saturday night. He was maybe a little bit on the young side of things. Not actually too young, just younger than my usual age bracket allows. He's 3 years(and 3 days) younger than me. I'm friends with him on facebook. That's how I was so specific about the age gap just then. But. It totally didn't matter. Because he still knew what he was doing. And that's the only reason why I put that rule in place. Because I was sick of young guys not know what they're doing. SO not a problem. Even went down on me straight away, and quite frankly, doesn't get more gentlemanly than that.

Funny thing is, bartender at Caverns younger brother. I was told yesterday that I should try and sleep with all the staff there. I reckon I could almost do it. I don't know that I should be becoming the Cavern slut though. The one with the longterm girlfriend might be a slight problem. Probably the main one I'd like to sleep with. That's okay. I could sleep with the older brother. LOLOLOLOLOL! I don't think I've ever slept with brothers. Together or seperately.

TA was there with his new girlfriend. He really isn't TA anymore, but I can't be bothered giving him a different name. I made accidental bitch face when talking about her the next day. I think it was more of a bitchface at Rugrats to be fair. Because she seemed nice enough, and I still feel good about the fact that I ditched him because he wouldn't have started his thing with her if I was still around. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I'm just really, not attracted.

I really like tall guys though. I also really want a piggyback. Yeah. That would be rad. Tall and muscular. But not retardedly muscular. Because that's yuck. Put your veins away, they're freaking me out. YUCK! VEINS! EW! Not ewe. Ew.

I have pole dancing tonight. I hope I do. I forgot to email them until today but I'm assuming that it'll be fine. She'll be right. It's the kiwi way. I'm really looking forward to it though. I need to do some decent exercise. Although, did walk most of the way to work today. It keeps raining on me when I'm walking to work. It's a bit shit. I'm looking forward to summer and its more agreeable weather.

I'm going to return to working properly. I've always been working properly. THE WHOLE DAY. Stink. I really liked sneaking off and having sexy times. Ah well. It might still happen. I'm just not feeling overly optimistic. Who knows. Tomorrow I may have changed my tune completely. We'll see!