Tantrum City

Hey yo.

My body. It has a tantrum. Every day. There's a new tantrum waiting around the corner. I swear I don't deserve this. And I'm almost certain the stress of each bodily tantrum turns into the next one. It's a bit lame. I'm quite over it. I've started my clean living again though.

Yesterday was day one of not smoking. Again. I don't quite have the same motivation as last time. Which is a bit shit. But that's okay. I can do this. It's better for me. My lungs are happier. I can be a functional human being. And I'm not going to beat myself up if I have the odd ciggie here and there. Actually. The not smoking probably explains why I've been a bit...restless. Yesterday was the longest, most boring day ever. And today. Well, I feel a bit fidgety. And quite energised. Like I should go for a run around the block or soemthing. But I know that would just make my rashyness red. And I try not to go for that look when copious amounts of people will see.

And I screwed things up with himself today. Again. I sent him a text saying "sometimes I wonder how much of what you say is just talk, and how much of it you actually mean". I don't think this is an unfair statement. Because he does say a lot of things and not follow through. Don't say you want to have sex with me and make me wait 3 months. So, he sends one back, and say's "Ignore me then. Someone got out of the bed on the wrong side today". Sheesh. I didn't say I didn't want to talk to you. Was my first text out of line? I really didn't think it was. And it's not like I haven't lived through being told lies at every corner. Daniel was full of shit. The whole time. I had to go along with his lies constantly, and I was forever getting in trouble for telling the truth and forgetting I was supposed to be story telling too. There were too many lies for me to keep up with, and I'm well aware he was often just telling me things to try and keep me happy, without meaning to follow through with any of it. I just want to protect myself from the mistakes of my past.

So, I sent him a reply. Or three. Saying I was sorry. And that I didn't mean to offend him. And that I don't want to ignore him because I'm actually rather fond of him. Yes. I told him that I was fond of him. I know. Shoot me. I'm just going to get hurt. I don't know that being aware of this is such a good thing. I mean, I know it's going to happen, but it's kinda like seeing a car hurtling towards you and being unable to move because you're wearing cement boots. Can't do shit about it and you know it's going to hurt. It sucks balls. Oh shiiiiit. Just realised I've hit the "emotional" stage of not smoking. YUS YUS YUS YUS YUS!

It's only gonna get better. Electricity running through my veins. ELECTRICITY!!!! This was totally worth starting smoking again. Such a good plan. I'm being sarcastic. I don't think sarcasm really translates well into blogs very often. Or more, as my blog is most frequently, a written rant.

I just figured out how to cook quinoa. When I say figured out, I mean, the internets told me. i'M GOING TO MAKE opps. I'm gonna make eggplant, asparagas, spinach, ummmm, mushroom, courgette, pumpkin, kumara and feta with quinoa. Man. That sounds like quite the feast. I should be eating it for daaaaays. And my pee will smell weird for days also. Radical. I think I'll only use half a cup of quinoa. Yes. Because even if Louse comes, that's still gonna be way too much food for 2+lunch tomorrow. Ooooh, should have dinner sorted for after my run tomorrow also this way. That'd be nice. And I'll need a run tomorrow. With all this electricity. And frustration. And....yep. I think those are the main reasons. I'm gonna push myself harder this week than I did last week. I'm gonna aim for 3 laps running without stopping. Tom said he thought I could do 5. I think he's probably right. I'm feeling relatively fit presently. I haven't really smoked any greens since Saturday either. Well, I had 2 lil spots on Sunday afternoon, but I wasn't high for ages like I normally would be. Today is day 3 of no buds. I'm gonna start saving heaps of money. But also spending it on tasty, delicious things to eat. Because I can. And healthy things are more expensive than shit things most of the time.

I should go for a break. Maybe I'll wait for someone to get back from theirs. And then I can walk around the block. Cos damn I need to. So badly. I need to.

DONE!