Feeling threatened.

I have to say, my self esteem, is feeling pretty delicate presently. It may be because my uterine lining is about to slowly slip out of me. It may be that my diet hasn't been stunning of late. It may be the fact that my skin has been rash fucking central for weeks on end. And I mean actually, week upon week of fucking horrible rash. On my face. Give me hidden rash. I find that much easier to deal with. I HATE FACE RASH! And, so, today started the new girl downstairs. Normally, this wouldn't be a thing. Not a thing in the slightest. But, she's relatively attractive, the men are fucking drooling over her, and I am hormonal as fuck. I just. Ugh. I don't want to feel like this, but I can't help it.

It makes it worse that he's all like "damn, whoa, hot" ( put that in speech marks but that isn't exactly what he said, but it pretty much was, I tried to not listen because I could feel my soul crushing into a thousand pieces(I exaggerate slightly, but fuck, I...hormones)) and seriously, I just want to cry today. I want to be told that I'm pretty and I want to feel like I'm the only person that someone cares about. I want to be loved. I'm sad, and lonely, and I want some genuine affection and to feel like I actually mean something. I hope like fuck that bleeding is going to make some difference to the way I feel. I fucking hope so. Otherwise I need to get things changing real soon. Because I don't like feeling like this. Trying to keep the crying out of my voice. I'm not bawling my eyes out, don't get me wrong. There may be an occassional tear rolling down my face though.

Okay. I think the drama in my head may have passed. FOR NOW!!! I actually feel like a certified crazy lady. Those girls that men seem to think are every woman. That is me today. I want to paint my freakin nails and get a hair cut. I actually am going to do that this week. Because I think it will make me feel better. Unless it goes badly, and then I'll probably cry, and mourn the fact that Meg is no longer here. I miss her. Her cute lil Japanese face and her lil dog and the way that she asks about everyone by name and how she didn't even realise that half my friend were for real gays and awwwww. She's just too freakin adorable. Now I'm sad again.

I also want to eat lots of candy, not that it will help me feel better in any way, shape or form. It won't make me feel better. probably make me all self loathing and shit. Vegetables. Must eat many many vegetables today. Or maybe I'll just eat leftovers from last night. I might go for a run when I get home. See if it lifts my mood. The weather is sucking balls though.

This window doesn't want to be open anymore. I'm feeling better now just by the way. Not properly better, but not so sad, and not so unwanted. I still feel I've been neglecting an emotional requirements part of my brain for a long time. Which I have. I've been single for a whole year and a half. That's 18 months. I could have carried TWO BABIES to full term by now. I'd be ravaged for sure, but it still could have happened. Thank god it didn't. But still.