Gems of Wisdom

I have a lot of gems to share.

I think today's gems are going to be based around what NOT to insert in your...yes.

I think I'll start with the worst ideas. These are all of course, things I have experienced, and regretted. I would like to point out now, that none of these ideas were my own. None of them.

1) Cayenne Pepper. To be fair, this wasn't so much an idea as it was an accident. But definitely the worst thing I have experienced to date. Mucus membranes and burning hot chili aren't a great idea. Also, you may find crying in the bathroom while trying to wash away the chili with cold water is a bit of a mood killer.

2) Berrocca. "It'll fizz and be all tingly and awesome" No. It won't. Don't do it. It's acidic and horrible. You will be excreting bright orange goodness for days. You can try to douche out the tablets but chances are you won't be able to. They'll just keep on fizzing away. You can barely even feel the fizzing either, so not only is it unpleasant, it's also pointless.

3) Corn. Especially the microwaved variety. I was tricked into this one by being blindfolded. I could hear the microwave going, but decided I wouldn't let it bother me, and assured myself everything would be fine. Funny thing about microwaves, they make things hot. Really hot. And then, when you try and insert something that is really hot, and quite large, much larger than something I would normally be attempting, it burns. Quite a lot. And it's unpleasant. And then, when your boyfriend eats the corn cob after, it doesn't make you feel any better about the fact you just got mild burns on your genitals.

4)Frozen condom of water. This could, potentially, be okay. That is, if you take into account the fact that water expands when it's frozen. And probably only for very brief periods of time. I'd personally just stick to an ice cube. It could also help avoid awkward conversations with flatmates about what a condom filled with water is doing hanging out in your freezer. Remember though, ice burns too.

5) Chocolate bars. This is actually kind of fun if not messy. It can either work in your favour or go horribly wrong depending on your partner. I don't think they're a bad idea, just one with bad potential. Don't use bars with nuts. I just wanted to have five things on my list.

And these, are my gems of wisdom for today. Experimentation is awesome, just make sure you aren't going to be experiencing any unpleasant repercussions.